The myth of the 'nice guy' and Elliot Rodger. [View all]

[Danger Mouse]

Women are so hard to understand, am I right, guys? You support them, give all of your time to them, you're there for them when they need you, and how do they thank you? They don't respond to your advances! They say they value your friendship too much. Bro, you've just been 'friend zoned.' Frustrating, isn't it?

And yet...what exactly were you expecting? Did you think that just because you didn't overtly treat a woman badly, you earned some sort of prize? Did you think that your good behavior entitled you to her devotion? Did you think you're somehow 'better' than all the 'jerks' she seems to want to be with? Did you really think you were some kind of knight in shining armor? I know I've been there. I've pined away for women who just weren't interested, thinking that if I were just nice enough of a guy, they'd respond to my advances. Then it became resentment. They just don't know what they want! They don't realize what they're missing! They only want guys who will treat them badly!

I didn't realize then what a jerk I was being. I honestly thought I was some kind of anti-chauvinist hero, a knight in shining armor who would rescue damsels from the big mean sexist dragon. The problem was that for all my being 'nice,' it wasn't grounded in true RESPECT. There was a condescending, patronizing element to it. The very idea that women need rescuing, that they need delivery at the hands of a man on a white horse, is at its core sexist and insulting. Yet many guys subscribe to this notion, and think that it makes them better somehow. They are gentlemen, they are kind and supportive, they are always there...until she says no. Then she becomes the enemy, she becomes the devil who put them in the 'friend zone.' Resentment brings forth the true colors of the 'nice guy,' showing him for what he truly is.

This brings me to Elliot Rodger, perpetrator of the drive-by shooting at UC Santa Barbara. Before the shootings he put out a video airing his grievances with women, the reason behind the shooting. He was such a nice guy, and they didn't want him, he said, so the sluts had it coming. Was he mentally ill? Of course he was. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't look at what triggered his homicidal rampage. What he was is the 'nice guy' taken to its logical, brutal conclusion.

Countless 'nice guys' are out there right now, trying to distance themselves from Rodger, trying to minimize him, trying to ignore him. Yet at the end of the day, the 'nice guy' sees women as objects just as much as the 'jerks,' as prizes to be won. At least the 'jerks' are open about their exploitation of women. 'Nice guys' hide it behind a smiling veneer, pretending they are something they truly aren't. Their resentment towards the women that reject them often manifests as open hostility. How many 'nice guys' are right now secretly rejoicing over what Rodger has done? These 'nice guys' are everywhere, and many (if not most) of them would classify themselves as liberal. On the surface they espouse feminist philosophy, decry sexism, and advocate respect for women. Maybe they believe they actually hold these views. I certainly thought I did. Yet at the end of the day, 'nice guys' don't think women can choose for themselves. They think that friendship has to come at a price. They expect sexual favors as payment for acting like a decent human being.

Here's a crazy idea, guys: act like a decent human being because you're a decent human being. Stop acting like an entitled little brat just because she doesn't want to be with you. If you really value a woman, respect her choices. If she's not interested in you, it's not because she's a 'slut' who only likes 'jerks,' it's because she's not interested in you. A platonic relationship with a woman can be deeply rewarding and meaningful without it being about earning a 'prize.' If you can't get beyond this, ask yourself, why were you in this friendship to begin with? Did you ever really respect her?