Hidden Racial Anxiety in an Age of Waning Racism

[RainDog]

42. I don't consider myself racist

But I know I grew up in a racist nation (the U.S.) and, because of that, I do "check" myself - that's what the whole "check your privilege" about any subject is about - examine your own thought processes to ask yourself if bias plays into your reaction to something.

I don't think it's a bad thing to talk about this.

I do think it makes white people uncomfortable because, I really do think, at heart, most people don't want to be racist.

One moment when I had a "walk a few steps, not a mile" in someone else's shoes was when my next door neighbor invited me to a private party given by some friends of hers. She's African American, married to a white guy. Her daughter calls me "Auntie" because she grew up next door.

So, I went to the party. I was the only white-skinned person there.

For a few hours I had the experience of being the minority in a culture. And, as comfortable as I am with my neighbor, I "checked" myself there, too... I didn't want women to think I was flirting with their guys. I didn't want to say something that would be taken the wrong way. I ended up playing cards with my neighbor and two other women. I never play cards - backgammon is about my only game. Unfortunately for my neighbor, I was her partner and we got trounced. LOL.

But I thought, at that time, it might be a good thing for white-skinned people to have such experiences, just to have a moment to understand some of the "eggshell walking" that African Americans surely must experience sometimes, when they're the only person of color in a room.

And that applies to other situations, too. I've also been the only straight female in a room full of gay guys, when a friend of mine asked me to take him to a party, long ago, because his car was dead... LOL. I remember, very well, that he watched me to see if I would freak out to see guys lying on the couch making out. (answer was: no.)