On being fat

[Aristus]

34. A super-sexy lesbian DID knock my socks off when I was 23.

I was in the Army, stationed on Fort Knox, Kentucky. It was right around the time Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell was starting up; 1993, I think.

I hung around Louisville's gay community in the St. Matthews District at the time. I'm straight, but I was a fan of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and managed to earn a part as 'Eddie' in the local floor show. I was kind of a novelty to my friends: a gay-friendly soldier in the notoriously (at the time) homophobic Army.

One night, we were at a friend's house, having a good time and doing some shots. Another member of the circle whom I didn't know started up a conversation with me. She was a lesbian, a successful businesswoman, very glamorous, and incredibly attractive. She drove a souped-up black sports car that had a car-phone. (This was pretty rare in 1992.)

We talked for a little while, then she made the proposal that knocked my socks off. She asked me to accompany her to a local chamber of commerce dinner that was coming up. Although she never said so outright, I imagine she wanted me to be her 'beard'. She flattered the hell out of me. "What do you say? Think I could get a good-looking guy like you to go to this thing with me?" (I don't know about good-looking, but I had more hair and more muscles back then.)

She probably needed to show up escorted by a man. There were probably going to be a lot of conservative, homophobic Kentucky businessmen at that event, and general knowledge of her lesbianism might hurt her own business.

As it turned out, I wasn't able to go. I had a family commitment that I had to go out of town for on the night in question. Not being able to accept her offer is one of the great regrets of my life. Obviously, nothing would have happened with her. But I would have been able to spend more time with this fascinating, charismatic woman.

Socks. Knocked completely off.