Why you'll never hear this Feminist use the word "Mansplain"...

[redqueen]

97. Oh, excellent. An opportunity to share this:

http://generationhandmaid.wordpress.com/2013/10/28/its-not-about-the-nail-women-and-emotional-gaslighting/

I first heard of the term “emotional gaslighting” when I was perusing the internet in my downtime and was caught my the article title “Why Women Aren’t Crazy.” The writer Yashar Ali makes what I believe is an incredibly astute argument regarding how society treats women, both individually and as a whole, in order to convince themselves and everyone else that women are hormonal, crazy, irrational, and over-emotional when perhaps that’s not entirely fair. Yes, women have more estrogen than men, or else no one on this planet would be here, but it goes beyond that – women live in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t world. If we are too careful about revealing our bodies, talking to men and being physical, we’re prudish and bitchy. If we embrace our sexual agency and freedom, we’re sluts and whores. We are told things that are hurtful and would, in any other situation, be expected to be met with a negative reaction. But if we react to these criticisms, we are “being crazy”.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy….Those who engage in [emotional] gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal….women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men. It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

When I originally posted a link to this article on my personal social media account, a male friend of mine responded with telling me that this wasn’t a women’s issue specifically, but could be applied to “people being jerks” as a whole. I responded by telling him that no, this is in fact a women’s issue. Emotional gaslighting specifically being applied to women in society is the issue I’m presenting here. He then told me that since he doesn’t do that he wouldn’t recognize it, but my honest takeaway from this exchange is that he did the exact thing I was trying to illuminate – he told me that I shouldn’t be upset because it was everyone’s problem, not just women, and I shouldn’t feel entitled to my…what? My pity party? Was this his knee-jerk reaction to the notion that straight white men in this country ought not to sit around feeling sorry for themselves?

I know that it’s hard to digest it when someone tells you that the socioeconomic group (or what have you) that you belong to has and is doing wrong to others, even if you are not directly causing it. Why do you thing so many people complain about there not being a White History Month? Because white folks are tired of feeling like a villain, but the solution here isn’t to complain, it’s to adjust our actions. I made a vow to stop emotional gaslighting even if I don’t recognize it, but I think that the men in my life and in my universe should at least ponder this idea for a few minutes before going about their day.

Women, repeat after me: “I am not crazy. I am entitled to my feelings. I am a rational human being.” Repeat as needed.

“Aunt Lydia said it was best not to speak unless they asked you a direct question. Try to think of it from their point of view she said, her hands clasped and wrung together, her nervous pleading smile. It isn’t easy for them.”

-Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale