On being fat

[laundry_queen]

74. After reading this thread (oops, long, sorry)...

I want to tell you that you don't have to put up with that. I GET that family is important to you, and that you feel like you have to tolerate this stuff in order to have a relationship - but you really don't have to. I don't know how to say this exactly...let me start with my parents.

My parents were hyper critical of everything about me since the day I was born, but especially about weight. I remember being about 4 years old and my mom telling me that I had a 'fat gut' just like my dad. Then when I was 5 she put my dad on a diet (a 600 cal/day diet) and he lost 80 lbs. (long story short, most spouses wouldn't put up with being treated like how my dad was treated, but my parents are extremely codependent). After he lost his weight, both of them decided to focus on me and my weight. Every morsel of food that went in my mouth was scrutinized (and criticized if it didn't meet with approval...like if I spent my allowance on candy). I was constantly nagged to 'exercise', even though I was a bookworm. I was basically not allowed to sit and read if it wasn't storming out. I was kicked out of the house not to 'get some fresh air' but because I "had better watch it" or I would "end up fat" if I sat around all day. As a teen, I alternately skipped meals and binged. I obsessively exercised to the point I have some serious overuse injuries that plague me to this day. And my mom dragged me around to all the weight lost places - Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers...I saw doctors, nutritionists and so on. They all said I could stand to lose 'a few' pounds but generally I was a normal weight. My mom wasn't happy...she thought I should weigh less. Anyway I managed to stay a somewhat normal weight until I met my now-ex.

He asked me why I was so obsessed with calorie counts and fat grams all the time. He said he wanted me to be happy and not to worry about that stuff...to just eat like a normal person.

Well, eating like a normal person after having my metabolism all messed up by starving myself for years made me fat within a year. Then I had 4 children, each one adding a few more pounds. I'm now obese.

At first, my parents were total assholes about it to my face. Then I told them flat out, "My weight is not up for discussion". My parents are narcissists, according to a very qualified therapist my daughter saw after my divorce, and they are more concerned with how I make them look than my actual weight. So I decided that I didn't need them to make comments anymore - especially because I have 4 daughters that noticed these comments.

They weren't happy. They started trying to be 'covert' about my weight. Showing me 'health' articles, and talking about wonderful new breakthroughs in dieting. I would explain to them that I was eating very healthily (I always have) but that I had medical issues that made me prone to gain weight (in addition to all the psychological crap, I have numerous medical issues that make me 'weight loss resistant' and I had this as a teen and didn't know). They rolled their eyes at me. They still would make weight comments about others, talk about how fat and lazy and disgusting these OTHER people were then feign innocence when I would confront them. I'd say, "I told you that this topic is not up for discussion." And my parents would say, "why, honey, we weren't talking about your weight at ALL. Not EVERYTHING is about YOU, you know."

I would grin and bear it, because they were my family. But once I learned about emotional abuse and how wrong it was how my parents treated me over the years (from aforementioned therapist. Also, there are a ton of other issues besides the weight one) I started to really follow through with consequences about violating my boundaries. The last straw was my dad calling me an idiot for being fat. I walked away. Now, if they even mention anything to do with diet or weight, I walk away with a firm, "this topic is not up for discussion". It's like training a toddler, really.

Still, I've decided I cannot deal with this soul-destroying crap anymore. I've been pulling away from my parents - which isn't easy since they live 2 minutes away. I don't call them, they call me. I am the 'dutiful' daughter, but I no longer share anything personal with my parents. When I do, it's used against me. If I show any warmth or closeness with them, they use the opportunity to put me down right when I'm feeling like things are going good. No longer.

Part of the reason I stayed with my emotionally abusive ex-husband for so long was because I was so ashamed of being fat. I thought no other man on earth would ever love me. Growing up, my parents never missed an opportunity to discuss how gross and disgusting fat people were (even friends of theirs!) and would say 'how could anyone love THAT?'. They even used to criticize supermodels, FFS! I grew up thinking if I was fat, I didn't deserve love. And so, I thought I HAD to stay with the one person on earth who didn't seem to care about my weight...despite everything else he did to me.

Anyhow, I understand what it's like to have parents like that. Please know you don't have to put up with it. Put up some boundaries. Reinforce them like you are teaching a toddler to not steal the cookies. It's hard at first because we've been trained to take their abuse, but in the end it's worth it. Hugs to you...