The furor around 50 Shades of Grey isn't about what happens in private bedrooms

[Luminous Animal]

55. TRIGGER WARNING ON THIS POST FOR ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

I see it differently. The feminists that I admire on DU are not arguing against BDSM, they are arguing against the nonconsensual abuse. I spent much of my day researching both the text of these books and the feminist commentary about them, and it wasn't the sex that was bothersome (in fact, most of the sex scenes were downright boring) but, rather, the emotional and physical abuse. These books turn the BDSM scene on its head... which is about safety and boundaries; and yes, caring and concern.

Even though it has been 26 years since I escaped my abuser (and had to give up my apartment, my job, and go into hiding because he was actively hunting me down), what I read, outside of the sex scenes, was a classic map of an abuser and made me feel vulnerable and afraid... the constant criticism, controlling the conversation, controlling what the abused eats, wears, works, stalking, spying, isolating the abused from friends and family, verbal threats of physical violence and then actual physical violence.

This woman does a good job of chronicling the rape and abuse in the book and she produced a list but there are two things I'd like to highlight before producing the entire list.

http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/377666.html

1) Ana feels that she must do what Hellspawn wants, in bed or out or he’ll a) be violently angry, b) punish her (i.e., hit her, rape her, deny her orgasm, etc.) or c) dump her—in other words, her entire motive for accommodating him is fear;

2) Hellspawn and Ana are in a horrible, horrible relationship—not because of the consensual sex they’re having but because of, oh, everything else.

Now for the list of rape and abuse.

1) BDSM IS NOT THE SAME THING AS PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Newsflash, James—no one gives a damn whether or not Hellspawn ties Ana up or spanks Ana. As long as Ana’s okay with it and knows what she’s consenting to, that’s okay. The following things, however, demonstrate that this is a very, very twisted and abusive relationship:

a) Ana’s outright lack of consent in many scenes;

b) Her dubious consent in others (she doesn’t know anything about BDSM save what she reads in one Wikipedia article that upsets her so badly that she never reads anything else, nor does she know how it differs from conventional sex…or that it differs at all);

c) The multiple beatings and rapes (Chapters 12, 16 and 19-20), and Ana’s desire to escape from both;

d) The fact that Hellspawn clearly feels entitled to beat and rape Ana without her consent…and for very small offenses;

e) Ana’s perpetual description of him as “scary,” “menacing,” “intimidating,” and so on, as well as her description of her subconscious “hiding behind the couch” when he’s around;

f) Ana’s obvious immaturity (her language and behavior are more reminiscent of an overawed girl of eleven or twelve than a college graduate);

g) Ana’s obvious immaturity being a turn-on for Hellspawn, whereas her flashes of independence anger him (he’s an emotional pedophile, if not a physical one);

h) Hellspawn’s frequent lies (such as the contract labeled “submissive” even though he doesn’t want her submission to end in the bedroom; he wants a master-slave relationship with her 24/7 with no end in sight);

i) Hellspawn’s stalking (beginning a dossier on her a half hour after the interview ended, tracing her cell phone and following her cross-country);

j) The complete lack of trust in this relationship (Hellspawn is forever threatening Ana with beatings and rapes for looking at, talking to or even speaking of another male, while Ana is convinced that every woman in the world wants Hellspawn and that he’ll dump her the second he finds someone prettier);

k) The fact that neither of them progresses past the jealousy and lack of trust in the course of an entire book;

l) The relationship is isolating, leading Ana to lie to her family and friends and to pull away from them (because Ana believes that the NDA forbids her to say anything, even though she never read it);

m) Hellspawn keeps telling Ana how she feels and overriding her when she expresses an emotion or an idea that’s different;

n) Ana feels that she must do what Hellspawn wants, in bed or out or he’ll a) be violently angry, b) punish her (i.e., hit her, rape her, deny her orgasm, etc.) or c) dump her—in other words, her entire motive for accommodating him is fear;

o) The narrative absolves Hellspawn of responsibility for all of his controlling and abusive actions, blaming women for them instead (his birth mother for being poor, not feeding him enough and dying; his adoptive mother for being too demanding; Mrs. Robinson for turning him to BDSM and sexually enslaving him at fifteen—not because, as Ana states, because he was underage, but because he’s a MAN, and it’s implied that men shouldn’t be subs or sex slaves; and Ana for…well, every occasion when he gets mad at her); and

p) The book embraces the idea that all a woman needs to make her life complete is her Male True Love who will give her all the wonderful sex in the world…and if she doesn’t have him, she doesn’t have anything.

Any one of these things would make the relationship problematic—and the last two are so reactionary as to make me wince. Sixteen of them? Hellspawn and Ana are in a horrible, horrible relationship—not because of the consensual sex they’re having but because of, oh, everything else.