"Cowardly, Selfish"

[chervilant]

82. I didn't understand depression

until I suffered an acute depression following my divorce from a man who spent 18 months convincing me we should be married, and then 14 months later was having an affair with a friend of mine from our church. The pain, the ennui, the hopelessness--it's incredibly difficult and scary. Countless times, I contemplated how to end the pain by ending my life.

The feelings I had--and couldn't elude at all--stood in sharp contrast to my 'normal' reality. Before Steve, I would typically wake up with enthusiasm and joie de vivre, filling my days with fun, social events. Thus, waking up wondering "why am I still alive?!?" really threw me. Wanting to die was a bottomless abyss I looked into too many times. My wonderful dog, Bear Doggies, pulled me back from that abyss. He would get his favorite squeaky toy and press it against my thigh (SQUEAKY! SQUEAKY! SQUEAKY!) until I would regain awareness, dry the tears off my face, and go play with him. He quite literally saved my life!

I noticed, too, that friends and family responded in kind to my self-isolation. The more I avoided social interaction, the less social were my friends and family. The less I answered phone calls, the less phone calls I received. No one came to see me, no one checked in on me. Ironically, the very isolation I succored was mirrored in the responses of those who 'loved' me--and this perpetuated my feelings of worthlessness and depression.

I'm better now. I am living in a beautiful, bucolic setting, and pursuing the art I've wanted to create my whole life. I'm learning woodcarving and blacksmithing--such incredible crafts! I have wonderful, funny, supportive, creative people in my life, and they are so very helpful! When my new friends try to 'set me up' to 'meet someone,' I simply tell them, "My picker is broken."

But, I'm not broken. And, I'm able to use what I've learned in my advocacy for survivors.

Thank you for your post, and for your thoughtful response.