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yurbud

(39,405 posts)
Thu Aug 21, 2014, 04:16 PM Aug 2014

The killer cop story we never hear: HEDGE FUND MANAGER SHOT FOR SUSPECTED SALE OF FRAUDULENT DERIVAT [View all]

HEDGE FUND MANAGER SHOT FOR SUSPECTED SALE OF FRAUDULENT DERIVATIVES

Goldman Sachs executive Oliver Dauphin was shot and killed today when he failed to respond to questioning by a police officer.

Dauphin was waiting for his limo at the curb outside the Bhutan Grill when police officer Damon Johnson overheard him on the phone, selling what sounded like a rent based derivative.

"I knew how much damage those mortgage back derivatives did to our economy and the world, so I wanted to ask some questions to find out if they were solid or another pump and dump fraud like the mortgage backed derivatives," said Johnson.

Johnson instructed Dauphin to hang up, so he could ask his questions, but Dauphin ignored him and walked a few feet away.

Johnson followed and took his phone out of his hand, ending his call.

Dauphin tried to grab his phone back, and Johnson said, "not until you answer some questions."

Dauphin became enraged and said, "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I'm the guy who's going to get you fired. I'm going to make your life a living hell. You're dead!"

Johnson took his last statement as a threat, drew his revolver, and told Dauphin to put his hands on his head.

Rather than comply, Dauphin made a dismissive noise and reached inside his jacket.

Fearing that he may have been reaching for a weapon, Johnson opened fire, hitting Dauphin three times in the chest and once in the head.

A later search of his body found no weapon, only a wallet and a cigar.

Others in the finance industry were shocked by the shooting and demanded that the officer be fired or at least put on suspension pending an investigation.

The police chief said he had no plans to do so since the officer acted within department policy.

"A suspect wearing a long heavy coat like that could be hiding a shotgun, assault rifle or grenade launcher for all we know, so given his movements, the shooting was appropriate. Police officers deal with very dangerous people in this neighborhood who have been known to rob pension funds, bankrupt local and state governments, and even countries with their fraud. Given that threat, Officer Johnson acted appropriately."

He also said that a cigar had been stolen from a nearby bodega and it was very likely the officer could smell the tobacco. Johnson did not mention this in any of his own statements though.
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Bravo! nt Boomer Aug 2014 #1
Ready for Hillary Clinton for President Right Now, and Gucci Purses and Outsourcing Woo Hoo! NYC_SKP Aug 2014 #2
Because it's great to have "two" "choices" in a corpocracy, NYC SKP! villager Aug 2014 #16
It's "her turn"... When the FUCK will it be OUR TURN? :-) NYC_SKP Aug 2014 #19
Don't think us 99%ers can afford to pony up what it costs for a real "turn" villager Aug 2014 #20
when they have left the country in rubble and our money is only good for kindling yurbud Aug 2014 #54
When the rednecks realize they've been conned. Spitfire of ATJ Aug 2014 #58
Would you like you corporate rule with a side of fear and racism or bland platitudes? yurbud Aug 2014 #27
Lots of "choice," Americans -- in your side dishes! villager Aug 2014 #33
That's the Hillary. It's a bit to exotic looking for a Romney side. yurbud Aug 2014 #55
Onion? n/t Laelth Aug 2014 #3
I'm guessing original satire by the OP. nt Nuclear Unicorn Aug 2014 #7
OP did good. onethatcares Aug 2014 #12
indeed Quayblue Aug 2014 #31
Correct. yurbud Aug 2014 #13
Cool. Point well-made. n/t Laelth Aug 2014 #22
Kicked and recommended. Uncle Joe Aug 2014 #4
What if the executive had something even more lethal? gratuitous Aug 2014 #5
Just like you have never seen any white collar criminals or crime on Cops (TV Show) n/t 951-Riverside Aug 2014 #6
Because the people writing the laws are just as corrupt as those exploiting the laws. Nuclear Unicorn Aug 2014 #8
HA! Love it. Nt xchrom Aug 2014 #9
One of the best satires I've read in a long time rurallib Aug 2014 #10
If that's original, great. nm rhett o rick Aug 2014 #11
Onion? L0oniX Aug 2014 #14
Yeah... Skier101 Aug 2014 #15
Only in my dreams CanonRay Aug 2014 #17
Lol. DocMac Aug 2014 #18
As much as I would love this to be true my bs alert goes off kimbutgar Aug 2014 #21
if it was a real guy, I'd be worried about him sending his lawyers after me. yurbud Aug 2014 #34
Haha, good satire piece, man. AverageJoe90 Aug 2014 #23
If only n/t Oilwellian Aug 2014 #24
You're right. We'll NEVER hear this story....... socialist_n_TN Aug 2014 #25
What if the banker was black? tclambert Aug 2014 #42
I gave the cop a potentially black name for some role reversal yurbud Aug 2014 #60
I was looking for an Onion link malaise Aug 2014 #26
My stuff is better. yurbud Aug 2014 #29
Well this is seriously brilliant malaise Aug 2014 #30
it IS better. Voice for Peace Aug 2014 #51
Shazam! LloydS of New London Aug 2014 #28
Great Post....Get this out there ! RagAss Aug 2014 #32
DOJ Allows Bank of America to Deduct $12 Billion of $17 Billion Settlement Ichingcarpenter Aug 2014 #35
I May Have to Rethink Sparhawk60 Aug 2014 #36
Excellent! Now, if only there were real copycats. nt valerief Aug 2014 #37
sadly, my work hasn't been that inspirational: this is in the vein of "To Serve Man" yurbud Aug 2014 #43
That's freakin' hilarious! We all daydream about that happening, don't we? nt valerief Aug 2014 #45
I would be worried that they would pass on diseases, even genetic ones from centuries of inbreeding yurbud Aug 2014 #49
oh I am kicking this again... annabanana Aug 2014 #38
If that actually happened it would run 24/7 on cable channels (all of them) TBF Aug 2014 #39
I'd been happy with the standard "Stop and Frisk" KansDem Aug 2014 #40
And then bank executives took to the streets in protest. tclambert Aug 2014 #41
I wrote something like that in Bush's Butler tells all: the rich have their valets endure the hazing yurbud Aug 2014 #44
Well played sir, well played. blackspade Aug 2014 #46
I'm kicking this back to the top malaise Aug 2014 #47
I nominate this excellent OP for a DUzy Voice for Peace Aug 2014 #48
the not part is that it didn't happen. Sorry to raise people's hopes. yurbud Aug 2014 #50
sadly, it would take a lot for any of us to imagine such a scenario might be true, Voice for Peace Aug 2014 #53
Kicked and recommended! Enthusiast Aug 2014 #52
Excellent writing, yurbud Jack Rabbit Aug 2014 #56
I am stealing that! RoccoR5955 Aug 2014 #57
Thank You For Sharing cantbeserious Aug 2014 #59
Well done, Bud... MustBeTheBooz Aug 2014 #61
Right on! DrewFlorida Aug 2014 #62
Well done!! K & R! RufusTFirefly Aug 2014 #63
K&R Reminds me of this story from awhile back. raouldukelives Aug 2014 #64
They don't even apply the draconian asset forfeiture laws when bankers are caught laundering drug yurbud Aug 2014 #70
bloody brilliant Blue_Tires Aug 2014 #65
This message was self-deleted by its author airplaneman Aug 2014 #66
I earlier tried to make a similar note on Wall Street "cigar box crimes"... cascadiance Aug 2014 #67
This message was self-deleted by its author Sam1 Aug 2014 #68
Well done. The Killer Cop Story we never will hear. Mike Brown's theft was not large enough Dark n Stormy Knight Aug 2014 #69
someone did a similar toon: yurbud Aug 2014 #71
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