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[The Velveteen Ocelot]

34. Don't get me started on "Human Resources" departments.

My various experiences with them have ranged from mediocre to terrible. In the old days when you applied for a job you might actually get a letter telling you that you didn't get the job but thanking you for applying, or at least you could get someone on the phone to find out. It all started going to hell in about the early '80s when corporate bullshit and deceptive jargon really took over and somebody decided it would be a great idea to call the employee management function or department "Human Resources" instead of "Personnel." Soon HR got to be a specific career. You could major in HR in college and actually get a degree in how to lie to employees.

The last time I had to apply for a job was in 2000, and it was to a large company, but fortunately I had a few connections and was able to communicate directly with the people who made the hiring decisions - not HR. I got the job, which I liked - until my company was acquired by an even larger one, and the HR bullshit started to flow thick and fast. HR started having employee meetings where they explained that we'd be filling out information on the computer that would allow the merged company to find the best match for everyone.

I could hear the flies starting to buzz around the bullshit. It soon became evident that what was going on was that we would all have to reapply for the jobs we already had. I made that point in one of these meetings, and you should have seen that HR person tapdance! Eventually, of course, some employees didn't make the cut that they had told us wouldn't happen, and morale was in the toilet. People who hadn't already been laid off started to quit. The worst thing about the whole experience is that we were lied to, repeatedly, about what would happen to us and our jobs. I have since retired, and have never looked back. If employers want a loyal, productive workforce they should take a damn hard look at the way they treat their employees.