Dynamics of Domestic Abuse

[IdaBriggs]

3. If this is an attempt to educate based on another thread...

I will toss my two cents into the mix.

At the end of the day, the only people with the POWER and the REAL motivation to stop the cycle of violence are the Victims.

Perpetrators are usually content with the status quo, while friends and family can find themselves either victimized or ostracized if they "interfere" with the dynamic.

This is one of the big reasons people - including myself - "blame the victims." Yes, the PERPETRATOR should not commit the horrible acts that they commit, but IDENTIFYING A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR does not make it acceptable, and playing "this time, it will be different!" delusional mind games doesn't make it better.

I remember when one of my sisters (the first, but not the last to deal with the issue) was assaulted badly enough that she "moved out" from her boyfriend. The entire family rallied around her - we dropped *everything* to get her the hell away from her abusive, drug addicted no-good boyfriend.

Then she went back to him. Then she got pregnant by him. Then he beat the crap out of her AGAIN, and we dropped *EVERYTHING* to get her the hell away from her abusive drug addicted no-good boyfriend.

Then she went back to him and got pregnant again, and married him. There was more "drama" in between, with family getting less and less interested in participating, because every time they "got back together" the rest of us were expected to pretend everything was fine and dandy.

It made for some very unpleasant holidays. I pretty much HATED that guy -- he was hurting my sister, but if I was "rude" to him, then *I* was the problem.

She finally divorced him THE SECOND TIME he put her in the hospital -- not the first, mind you -- THE SECOND.

And it was scary for a while, because he was a freaking drug addicted lunatic who was strung out much of the time, so who the hell KNEW what he was thinking or what his addled brain would come up with next?

His children never saw him again after she finally got out that last time. He eventually died due to a drug overdose, and while *his* family might have mourned the loss, mine was relieved because it meant my nieces were safe from him.

Blah, blah, blah - low self esteem, and let's be honest - she was using, too, just not as "hard" as he was, so they had that self-destructive streak in common until her survival instinct finally kicked in --

But do you know what FINALLY made it kick in?

Her toddler got in the way of one of his punches.

It wasn't the broken rib that punctured her lung that did it - it was the fact he almost "accidentally" killed her child that finally made her WAKE THE F*CK UP to the complete and utter DISASTER she was living.

I get it. Cycle of abuse, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, it was MY SISTER who had to make the decision to END THE CYCLE.

So, when people get mad at the victims (and trust me, to this day I still get angry about the whole situation, and this stuff went down mainly in the 1980s!), remember it is because the rest of us Can't Save Them until they decide to Save Themselves.

And it HURTS, and it makes us ANGRY, and it reminds us that WE are HELPLESS in the face of this stuff...

Until the Victim of the Abuse really means it when they say, "Enough!"