Dynamics of Domestic Abuse

[lapislzi]

7. I am sorry that this happened to your family.

While living with abuse is beyond horrible, I understand your deep feelings of frustration and helplessness as a witness to violence. It's incredibly difficult to disentangle these feelings, suspend judgment (because, who really does this?) and still be a positive force in your loved one's life. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all.

You're right: your sister had to reach her own breaking point with the abuse--and I'm glad she finally did before someone died.

But that's very different from victim blaming and suggesting that the victim/survivor is somehow complicit in the abuse. Especially when looking from the outside in on a deeply dysfunctional relationship...you just can't know, all the facts, all the secrets, all the dirt.

Every domestic violence survivor I have ever met has performed minor acts of heroism every day. By surviving. By keeping the children safe from the abuser. By finding little end-arounds to avoid the abuser. These people are incredibly resourceful in their survival. They do what they have to do to be safe. And, if they don't leave the relationship when other people think they should, it's really not up to the outsiders to second-guess those choices.

Is there an element of co-dependency or other pathology within the relationship? Of course there is! People stay in bad relationships for all kinds of reasons. The more damaged you are, the harder it's going to be to let go of that piece of dysfunction.

The question for the helpers is, what do you really want for your loved one? If the answer is anything other than, "I want my loved one to be safe," then you should be checking your motives. Once you focus on the goal of safety, helping becomes easier. People who feel safe will have an easier time making good choices--when they're not panicking, or feeling as if their hand is being forced.

I am no expert on these matters, although I have lived through domestic violence and counseled a goodly number of people. I always feel that my role should be uplifting people, helping them to stay safe and do what they need to do, rather than judging them for "not leaving that jerk." Because in my book, that's not what support looks like.

Peace to you and your family.