Dynamics of Domestic Abuse

[IdaBriggs]

23. Unfortunately, that blog does not match with my "real life" experience.

I disagree with you 100% -- the best defense is DON'T BE THERE.

My sister made choices to stay, based on her own baggage.

At a certain level, she was NOT HELPLESS -- she told the rest of us to go to hell on a regular basis when she was ping-ponging back and forth, with him being in the "hero mode" with us just not understanding.

No one MADE her stay with a guy who assaulted her. She had safe places to go, we all hated him and did everything we could to protect her. My father was involved in law enforcement, and he had the guy picked up regularly (outstanding warrants, drug convictions, driving without a license, etc.), so he spent regular time in jail even when my sister wasn't willing to press charges.

At some level he was meeting needs we just couldn't -- and I am grateful she finally got the hell out before more damage was done.

She was an Active Participant in that Relationship; she DID NOTHING that justified his laying one FINGER on her.

I have the clues. Getting out and staying safe is scary and dangerous and AWFUL.

No one else can do it -- the VICTIM has to say "enough" and mean it.

You don't have to like my opinion, but the beauty of this internet discussion board is that I am free to have it.

The love I have for my sister is pretty darn clear sighted; she was not perfect, and decades later, I still get angry thinking about the drama, the bruises, and the sight of her in the emergency room with an IV in her arm and bruises all over her body.

And I get ANGRIER at the fact she went back to him after the first time that happened.

Blame the victim? Yeah, at a certain level I do.

I would have cut my left arm off to save her from that kind of pain. Instead, I was asked to buy him a God-Damned Christmas Present a few weeks later, and told to watch myself lest I "ruin Christmas".

I am aware of my family's dysfunction. I have a clue. You might not like my conclusions - heck, you appear to consider me part of the problem - but pretending the whole thing was just because The Guy was in some "magic control" of her is simply fabrication -- he was too strung out on illegal drugs to be that powerful!

She had baggage. So did he. And the whole damn family got sucked into it....

Sigh.

She's been dead for ten years now. I still love her, and she knew it. She spent the last eighteen years of her life with a better man, and in my head I don't define her as "just a victim of domestic abuse" -- she was stronger than that.

But I have now watched three sisters deal with physically abusive partners (a fourth I wonder about), spent several years a long time ago volunteering on a suicide prevention line, and know too many people who had violence in their relationships.

The biggest thing I walk away from on this front is this:

It's complicated. It isn't just one thing (money) or another (self-esteem) or even society. It is damaged people (and aren't we *ALL* damaged in some way or another?) struggling to cope with the best tools they have.

In my family, two out of three of my abused sisters used illegal drugs to deal with past trauma issues. They picked partners with baggage who also used illegal drugs, who did not have healthy coping strategies when life challenges hit. This stuff spread like an ugly stain over the rest of the family relationships, and decades later we still deal with the aftermath.

I do not know of many families without some dysfunction in them. I like to think the steps I have taken to cope with mine will help my children have a healthier set of tools to deal with life challenges.

You may have different experiences, and have come to different cause/effect stuff in your head as a result. That is okay.

Welcome to DU - where not everyone agrees with you, and it doesn't make either one of us "terrible people."