General Discussion

moriah

(8,312 posts)

6. Yep, exactly.

Tue Sep 9, 2014, 01:17 AM

Sep 2014

My (kind of an asshole, but not truly abusive) ex-husband referred to my "fat bitchy ass" once when we were having a fight. Yeah, not cool at all, and he realized he'd pissed me off (though that part of what he said actually wasn't what made me the most angry, and I told him so later).

But when he apologized, he owned up to it -- "I'm sorry I called you fat." Not "I'm sorry you were hurt that I called you fat". Still sucky, but he admitted HIS behavior was wrong, not my reaction to it. (Edit to add: an abuser, on the other hand, would either have not apologized and had a civil conversation after a fight, or when they tried to apologize would have put the blame on the victim for being oversensitive.)

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Physical violence is a *late* sign of an abusive relationship. [View all] moriah Sep 2014 OP

Thank you moriah. lovemydog Sep 2014 #1

This is a very important & valuable post. WhiteAndNerdy Sep 2014 #2

Abuse by corporate politicians/parties and their propaganda machines works much the same way. woo me with science Sep 2014 #3

VERY true! n/t Triana Sep 2014 #9

Agreed Sherman A1 Sep 2014 #13

Hearing opinions you don't like isn't abuse. Pointing out someone is an ideologue or not pragmatic KittyWampus Sep 2014 #23

I agreed, but the fact that it kicked the thread and gave it some visibility made it where.... moriah Sep 2014 #25

There's a difference between being butthurt over politics and being hit by a hulking man. Dreamer Tatum Sep 2014 #28

Right?!? one_voice Sep 2014 #31

Be careful where you link. KitSileya Sep 2014 #33

Be careful with untrue smears that can be easily disproved. woo me with science Sep 2014 #40

Wow! On two different occasions, you were falsely accused of linking to a rw site? merrily Sep 2014 #41

What are the odds, indeed? woo me with science Sep 2014 #45

It is not necessary even to check the edits at all. merrily Sep 2014 #46

That's true re: jury results, but woo me with science Sep 2014 #50

This is also the 2nd alert I've seen today that accused a poster of linking to malware. seaglass Sep 2014 #52

Your post has a list of 22 edits. KitSileya Sep 2014 #42

But your juror comment was that woome had removed the link. merrily Sep 2014 #44

Every word so true. silverweb Sep 2014 #4

My favorite: "I'm sorry YOU were hurt by that" Triana Sep 2014 #5

Yep, exactly. moriah Sep 2014 #6

He did the right thing - apologized for HIS behavior. Triana Sep 2014 #47

Bingo. moriah Sep 2014 #55

Usually, it's--AT MOST-- "I'm sorry, but you provoked me." merrily Sep 2014 #43

Truth BrotherIvan Sep 2014 #7

Absolutely true. If abusive types were abusive at the start Triana Sep 2014 #8

Yeah. They ordinarily try to sweep you off your feet at first. moriah Sep 2014 #11

thanks for the post redruddyred Sep 2014 #10

they start by picking the kind of partner they think they can dominate Skittles Sep 2014 #12

That's true to an extent, but it can happen to anyone, even if you think it'd never happen to you. moriah Sep 2014 #17

the first time a guy tries to give me orders Skittles Sep 2014 #18

Yep. Same here. Now, at least. moriah Sep 2014 #21

I think that's often true, but is not a universal distantearlywarning Sep 2014 #22

I know enough to not know enough. Well said. randome Sep 2014 #24

Yeah, the whole sanctimoniousness from people who've never been abused pisses me off. moriah Sep 2014 #27

I disagree. This implies that the victim is at fault. It's a process and it's complex. merrily Sep 2014 #48

K&R Sherman A1 Sep 2014 #14

YES! And if he had never hit her before, he would have been beside himself pnwmom Sep 2014 #15

I noticed that, too. moriah Sep 2014 #19

I think that's why seeing the video made a difference for some people. pnwmom Sep 2014 #20

It should not have made a difference. merrily Sep 2014 #49

K^R me b zola Sep 2014 #16

Someone who married after knowing the gal a very short time bragged to me that merrily Sep 2014 #26

Wow. How did you respond to a disclosure like that? pnwmom Sep 2014 #34

Point is, violence is not always at the far end of a long chain. merrily Sep 2014 #35

It only took 4 months of marriage before my sister got hit. moriah Sep 2014 #36

She was a beautiful woman, much lovelier a woman than he was a man. merrily Sep 2014 #38

What kind of monster would say that to an eleven year old? Of course you didn't say anything. pnwmom Sep 2014 #37

You don't want to know. merrily Sep 2014 #39

OMG strawberries Sep 2014 #29

K&R for important info n/t LadyHawkAZ Sep 2014 #30

Furthermore, the woman might have been raised in a family tblue37 Sep 2014 #32

My favorite: I was really drunk, you know I didn't do it on purpose. Avalux Sep 2014 #51

HUGE k&r with thanks. This is very important to understand and too many do not uppityperson Sep 2014 #53

Well stated, moriah. Feral Child Sep 2014 #54