Physical violence is a *late* sign of an abusive relationship.

[distantearlywarning]

22. I think that's often true, but is not a universal

I am a very independent, assertive woman, from a non-abusive upper middle class family background, well-educated, martial artist, etc.

Nevertheless, I found myself in an abusive relationship 15 years ago. He was Prince Charming until (literally) the day we moved to another state and I was separated from my friends and family and became somewhat financially dependent on him. It was like Jekyll and Hyde - just shocking, like an alien had taken over the body of this person I thought I knew and loved. It was one of the most surprising, awful things that ever happened to me in my life. I never saw it coming at all, and I would never have said (now or then) that I was the type of woman who would have been targeted by that kind of man.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but it's like you're shell-shocked in the beginning, like it makes so little sense that you spend a lot of time just trying to figure out what is going on and how you can fix your relationship with this person you think you are in love with. It's not like it happens and you wake up instantly and say, "hey, I'm being verbally abused and I should be a strong woman and leave!". It's often a very confusing situation and it takes a while to figure out what is going on, especially if it isn't physical at the beginning. We're taught to take responsibility for our part of our relationships, and when your abuser is telling you the fights are your fault, a lot of people spend time trying to figure out how THEY can do better instead of immediately going straight to the truth of the situation.

Anyway, pretty soon after it started I started saving money in a secret bank account, and I left him six months later. Sadly, the damage was already done by that point. There was some physical abuse toward the end, but mostly it was progressive emotional abuse. The bruises healed fast, but the emotional damage left scars that will never heal.

I hate all these threads with internet armchair bad-asses proclaiming what they would do if they were Ray Rice's fiance, and "she's an idiot", and "why doesn't she just leave him", and "she's in it for the money", and "no abusive man would ever target me because I'm too cool for that". It's more complicated than that. It's always more complicated than that. Neither you nor anyone else in these threads (not even me) knows for sure what her motivations are, or what her situation is actually like.

I keep hoping that maybe one day we might get to a point as a species where we could just have compassion and love for other people in terrible life situations, without all the judgment, gossip, and just world nonsense.