Dick Cheney Unchained

[dickprez2016]

14. Cheney

10 Reasons Dick Cheney will be the president in 2016.

Why is everyone assuming Hillary Clinton will run for office, but absolutely no one will say Dick Cheney is planning a run? Okay, Ed Shultz did briefly. But I am banging the table on the this one! Dick wants in!

Who has published more books since the last election? Who has made more public appearances?

“Dick Cheney vs. Hillary Clinton in 2016” is something we should see everywhere. But it’s not. Why?

I would love to hear one reason why anyone thinks Dick Cheney is NOT running for president. Please.

Here are 10 reasons he is running. (And will probably win.)

1. He is healthy.

People say the opposite; he is too old, his heart is bad. I say he’s been having heart attacks since he was 37. “It has never effected my work,” he claims. Obviously, he has access to top-notch health care professionals. He has the heart of a 20-year-old, and, on top of that, has proven he doesn’t even need a human heart to stay alive. Remember the pump he was showing off during the press tour for his memoir ‘In My Time’? There is more of an argument for the fact he will live forever.

2. He has absolutely zero competition.

Can you imagine any of these clowns beating Dick Cheney in a debate for the Republican nomination?

Mr. Christie? Did Bridgegate break him? His health is more of a concern than Cheney’s.

Romney? Did he adopt a black baby to appear less white? Did it work? 47% says No.

Palin? Ha.

Bauchmann? Ha. Ha.

Newt? No.

Paulenty? (sp?) Who?

Santorum? He is now a movie producer in the Christian film industry.

Paul Ryan? He is youthful and Cheney once said “he worshiped the ground Ryan walked on.” But no.

Rand Paul? He will run unsuccessfully every four years for the remainder the 21st century.

Jeb Bush? He is relatively unknown besides coming across as the smart Bush. He is the perfect VP. His recent compassionate comments about immigrants coming to America illegally for the love of their families is sure to win some of the illusive latino votes for Republicans.

3. His has an impressive resume.

He has held every major role in close proximity to the Presidency. Chief of Staff. Secretary of Defense. Vice-President. No one has a better resume. In the animal kingdom we call this circling the prey.

4. He has an effective marketing campaign.

With a network like Fox News in existence marketing expenses for his campaign will be minimal. Hillary Clinton will break records for the most money raised in the history of elections, but Dick Cheney will hardly need to raise money. Keep reading.

5. His daughter is a lesbian.

This will win a huge part of the vote other Republican’s won’t go near. Any reputable Democrat is already on board with marriage equality, so at the very least Cheney’s slight support on the issue negates this as a polarizing issue.

6. He is a War President.

Do we need a war president? We do not. But if we did need a War President Dick Cheney would be ushered in. Sure, that is a big if, but it is real.

7. Liberals will vote for him.

If there is an attack before Obama leaves office, the entire country, ’Left Wing Loons’ included, would be frothing at the mouth for Cheney to take office and go waterboard anyone he wanted. Imagine an American city reduced to ruins by a terrorist.

Have you noticed every time Dick Cheney is speaking he mentions his fear of another, perhaps larger attack? “…terrorists armed with a nuclear, chemical or biological agent of some kind.” Roll the montage.

“Imagine deaths of 300,000 instead of just 3,000” - Donald Rumsfeld said on The Daily Show flogging his memoir.

Do they know something? Absolutely no one else mentions this.

(While we’re on the topic of Rumsfeld, why did he agree to do / initiate that documentary with Errol Morris?)

8. He has been campaigning for 6 years.

The marketing tour for his book “In My Time” was the largest campaign for a political memoir of all time. He was telling his story and sticking to his guns: completely unapologetic and decisive in times of crisis. He separated himself from Bush and exhibited a very human recovery from his heart transplant.

More importantly, he has publicly opposed every decision the Obama administration has endorsed. Especially those decisions he claims have weakened our homeland security and foreign policy. If there is another attack Dick Cheney will be the first to say “Told ya.”

9. It has been his life’s ambition.

He has been preparing the role of the presidency for extreme and ultimate power for a long time. Since the age of 34 he has been in close proximity to the presidency and a strong advocate against reducing the power of the president. Check out the laws he added while he was Vice President. Did you know the President is allowed to assume a dictatorship and also absorb Canada in the case of a national emergency - factors of which can be solely decided by the US President. (I sound like a conspiracy theorist saying it - but these are facts!)

10. His has not retired.

When Republicans retire they go away. Cheney is very much in the picture. Democrats have a long history of doing good after they leave office but Republicans vanish. Compare Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton to the complete absence of George W. Bush, George H.W Bush, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and Gerald Ford. Dick Cheney is everywhere. He is far from done.

11. He protected America from a second attack.

Although he seems to forget 9/11 happened on his watch, he is quick to point out he prevented a second attack over the next seven and half years of his vice-presidency. He would be the first to say the Obama Administration has spent the last six years dismantling the safeguard his administration put in place.

** Bonus reason

12. He wants Canada.

Let’s go one step beyond an attack on American soil. What if there was an attack on Canadian soil? Not only would the US look like a hero coming to the rescue, but the US would have an easier time recruiting allies around the world for another war on terror if peaceful unsuspecting Canada was attacked.

Why Canada? Canada has the oil sands. Canada has the Great White North full of untaped resources. Canada has one fifth the world’s supply of fresh water in The Great Lakes.

It seems strange no one is predicting his run. It seems obvious.

Again, please - I beg you - prove me wrong.