DMV, TSA to Acquire Surface to Air Missiles and Tanks from Pentagon [View all]

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Last edited Fri Sep 19, 2014, 07:07 PM - Edit history (1)

In order for the 1033 and other programs to be more equitable, the Pentagon is equipping the Placerville, California DMV with five new M1 Abrams Tanks. Also, the TSA in Big Timber, Montana will be receiving an undisclosed number of laser guided, Starstreak surface to air missiles (SAM).

Pentagon spokesperson, Gail Griffith spoke to reporters about the expanded program. “Well, we really have more tanks and missiles than we know what to do with, so we thought this would be a win-win,” she said in a serious tone. “The idea is to protect small town DMV offices first, then eventually have tanks at every office in the country. You can’t be too safe, and people waiting in lines are already angry, and hence are potential terrorists. And TSA is incredibly unpopular now, so they need very heavy armament… I think that’s obvious.” Holding off questions with a raised hand, she continued, “After we have equipped the DMV and TSA offices, we will be making sure our water treatment plants are safe by equipping them with armed drones.”

Placerville, California DMV issued the following statement to the press: “When our office learned that the LA School District was receiving assault rifles, armored vehicles and grenade launchers, we of course agreed that all schools need that type of protection. But we also thought there isn’t a DMV office in the country that isn’t in desperate need of a few tanks. We are always looking for ways to make our driving citizens feel safer. So our office is proud to be the first of many DMV offices equipped for today’s dangerous circumstances.”

This paper tried to contact the TSA in Big Timber, Montana only to find that no office there exists. So, we contacted the TSA in Washington, DC. “That is posing a bit of a problem for us, to be honest” said media relations manager, Tim Nuenins. “But not an insurmountable one. We are confident that the office will be set up and staffed before the arrival of the surface to air missiles.”
“If I may,” asked this reporter. “If Big Timber was too small for the TSA and has no commercial flights, why are surface to air missiles a necessity now?”

“We like to be pro-active,” said Mr. Nuenins. “Safety and Security First, that’s our motto.”

“I think it’s, ‘not on my watch.’”

“Oh, right. But regardless, Big Timber will now have the safest airport in the country. I know your next question will be, ‘Sure the skies will be safe around Big Timber, but what if something happens on the ground?’ Well, we have thought of that, and that’s why we are also receiving one hundred grenades for each of our agents. We hope that will make everyone feel safe.”