Bent iPhone claims put Apple under pressure to respond.

[jmowreader]

3. Apple's response

Cupertino, Calif. (Spurious News Network) -- Concerned that recent reports of iPhones bending when put in pants pockets, Apple today announced the forthcoming $599 iPhone 6CI.

"CI stands for 'cast iron,'" a grinning Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a telephone interview. "Let's see them bend this motherfucker now."

The five-pound iPhone 6CI takes the features of the award-winning Apple iPhone 6 Plus, including the 5.5" Retina display, Apple Pay, A8 chip and 64GB RAM, and shock-mounts it within the rugged confines of a 12.7mm (1/2&quot thick cast-iron case.

"Making the enclosure for a cell phone out of cast iron is novel in the industry," said Cook. "We admit freely that it's a little bit on the heavy side. Okay, scratch that: this thing is like holding a brick up to your ear, which is why it comes with a free Bluetooth headset - something no other phone manufacturer gives you. The other side of the coin is durability. We hired Seattle Mariners ace Felix Hernandez to throw five prototypes off the top level of Safeco Field's stands into the bullpen, ten times each. It tore the shit out of the field, but the phones work great. You're interviewing me on one now."

After this reporter pointed out that it can't get bent in a pants pocket partly because it won't fit in one, Cook laughed. "That would be a problem for lesser companies, but not Apple. Each iPhone 6CI comes with four coupons for free iFieldPants. These comfortable and stylish cargo pants, available in 26 different colors, feature slash-resistant pockets on each leg to carry the phone in. They're made in the US of Army tent canvas, for durability, and sport a subtle Apple logo."

The response was immediate: over a million $50 pairs of iFieldPants and three million phones were preordered on the Apple Store within the first twenty minutes of their announcement.