Nannies: something needed? Or should parents who choose to have children also rear them?

[laundry_queen]

160. I think it depends.

Personally, I would never do it if I didn't have to. My parents both worked full time - I wouldn't say they HAD to, but they liked having a bit of extra money. My mom didn't enjoy being a stay at home parent - she spent most of her time scrubbing the house when she was staying at home (briefly for a year after my brother was born. I remember it.) She felt compelled to earn her own money. She felt like my dad didn't respect her unless she did. In that case, I think a nanny is fine...better than what my brother and I went through - which was multiple caregivers, averaging 2-3 new ones each year. Many were abusive. Of course, that was 35 years ago when there were fewer regulations than now, but even our local licensed daycare (we went there for a whole year) had issues. I remember always hating going to the babysitter's or daycare and would constantly play sick to try to get my mom to stay home. I just wanted to spend my time at home, not at someone else's place. I'm sure part of that was that none of the places we were at (except the local licensed daycare) were much fun. It was usually just other moms around town looking for an easy way to make a buck while they stayed at home with their kids.

Because of my experience, I swore when I had my kids I would NEVER put them into any kind of childcare. And for the first 3 kids, I didn't. I was a stay at home mom and pretty darn judgmental of those who chose to put their kids in childcare (I used to think the same - why don't they raise their own kids?)

Then I went through a divorce and chose to go back to school while I was still getting child support/alimony so we could all have enough to live on while I went to school full-time. The only problem was that I had to put my youngest into care as she was not school age yet. It was a choice...I could've waited until she was in school to start my degree but I felt a lot of urgency because of the circumstances of my divorce. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, putting my youngest child into childcare.

But it turned out to be a huge blessing. Her caregiver - who was just starting her own licensed at home daycare so she could stay at home with her twin baby boys (she was also a single parent) - was so amazing. My daughter's days were nothing like my days in childcare had been. She never tried to get me to stay home, she never cried when I left, she looked forward to each day, she had a blast, she made new friends (she still has her best friend she met there) and when she did start school full time, she talked about missing her daycare. I became friends with her caregiver and we are still friends and we visit often.

I can see how women who have demanding careers, who feel compelled to work, have no issues with leaving their kids in a GOOD childcare situation. I think a big part of why I was so against it was my own experience - which, in retrospect, wasn't just about my mom working full-time. It was about when my parents WERE home, they didn't pay any attention to us kids at ALL. I think if a parent makes it their priority to focus on their kids when they ARE home, it makes a big difference (as long as the kids are in a GOOD childcare situation).

I also think that there ARE selfish parents out there, who view their kids as a bit of an accessory needed to live a good life, but don't particularly understand what their kids need emotionally (my parents were like that). Just because the parents are working parents who have their kids in good care doesn't mean they are good, attentive parents either. There are good stay at home parents. There are bad stay at home parents. There are good working parents. There are bad working parents. Do I think quantity of time is sometimes as important as quality of time? Sure. However, I don't think kids who don't have quantity of time but have quality of time (in a good care situation) with a good working parent necessarily suffers. Sometimes it can be healthy. For instance, my daughter's caregiver was a vegetarian who cooked amazingly healthy meals. My daughter wouldn't touch certain things at home but then would try them at her caregiver's and love them. She bonded to someone else and saw that other adults loved her and saw her as valuable too. She got the experience of being the 'oldest' as her caregiver had twin baby boys, and also watched a couple of toddlers. So, for us, it was actually a net positive. I'm sure that's how it can be for many families.

Also, I can see it from a woman's perspective of wanting to stay current with her career. If I had a 'do over' I'd probably have done the career first. There isn't much worse than having your husband dump you after you've been a stay at home mom for 12 years and have no education or job. I was seriously lucky because he made a lot of money and didn't try to get out of paying me...he actually paid more than he had to. But, most women aren't that lucky. No career = vulnerable. So I get that, now. I didn't before my experience.