General Discussion

Hekate

(100,131 posts)

162. So easy to judge. I would have loved a nanny instead of some of the babysitters my kids had

Sun Sep 28, 2014, 03:33 AM

Sep 2014

Yeah, I worked full time when my kids were still in preschool, and it was not a happy time for me because I always imagined I would stay home with my babies until at least kindergarten. I thought my tussle with my bosses over having kids was because I was so low on the totem pole, until I ran into an equally frantic mom at my kids' daycare center and found out from one of the workers there that she was a doctor at a clinic downtown.

The problem we both faced was not one of hierarchy, it was one of being female with children. How dare we?

I'm genuinely sorry for your infertility problems -- I know I would have been devastated if I hadn't been able to have kids (although adoption was always in the back of my mind since I grew up with a number of adopted cousins). But try your best to not judge other women. It's unfair and unbecoming on your part. No one owes you an explanation for their decisions any more than you own someone else an explanation for your childlessness.

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Nannies: something needed? Or should parents who choose to have children also rear them? [View all] Coventina Sep 2014 OP

So you would deny a person a job! whistler162 Sep 2014 #1

Not the question, obviously . orpupilofnature57 Sep 2014 #11

No that is exactly the question. whistler162 Sep 2014 #174

"Should" is the wrong way to look at it. If it works for them and they are happy with it, then it uppityperson Sep 2014 #2

Nothing wrong with three people taking care of their kids instead of two. Iggo Sep 2014 #3

I don't know the culture where they live, ZombieHorde Sep 2014 #4

It's often just trying to be conscientious. They could put their child in daycare, like pnwmom Sep 2014 #23

My wife has a degree in sociology. ZombieHorde Sep 2014 #27

Sounds like an urban myth to me. Who watches their neighbors put things into the garbage? pnwmom Sep 2014 #31

They would be set out so all passing by could see. ZombieHorde Sep 2014 #36

That's why my next self-help book will be "The $19.95, two step program to live a happy life" Warren DeMontague Sep 2014 #150

Ha! ZombieHorde Sep 2014 #203

And, I just gave it away for free. Warren DeMontague Sep 2014 #206

As long as the kids are cared for and healthy in body and mind, I mind my own business aikoaiko Sep 2014 #5

Nobody "needs" a helicopter Aerows Sep 2014 #6

Analogy fail brooklynite Sep 2014 #116

I know someone who has three children, and she and her husband are both full-time workers. CaliforniaPeggy Sep 2014 #7

Well, there are other childcare options, so the nanny isn't a necessity. kcr Sep 2014 #9

If you have multiple children, a nanny is often less expensive than putting pnwmom Sep 2014 #24

I don't believe it kcr Sep 2014 #34

They do in NYC Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #40

Oh, NYC. That place known for economical living. kcr Sep 2014 #41

It's true for most of the large metro areas. pnwmom Sep 2014 #48

Right. Large metro areas are swarming with low/middle class people who hire nannies. kcr Sep 2014 #49

No. But in those places, it's often less expensive to hire a live-in nanny, part of whose pay pnwmom Sep 2014 #52

If this were true, then lower income women would hire nannies. But they don't. kcr Sep 2014 #53

Wrong. Lower income women are forced to make do. pnwmom Sep 2014 #56

Forced to make do? Well, why don't they hire nannies? kcr Sep 2014 #57

Because many can't afford either licensed daycare or nannies. Both are out of reach. nt pnwmom Sep 2014 #59

Right, because it's only the fact that a daycare is licensed kcr Sep 2014 #63

So why do you call good care -- the kind every baby should be entitled to -- a luxury? pnwmom Sep 2014 #67

I don't. kcr Sep 2014 #70

Care options Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #166

Lots of unlicensed "day care" is actually one caregiver watching 3-6 kids in a home- pooling bettyellen Sep 2014 #72

I'm not talking about unlicensed daycare kcr Sep 2014 #74

for my friends, good day care is an absolute necessity. the thing about nanny s, tht FT live in can bettyellen Sep 2014 #76

Good child care is a necessity. I'm not arguing that. kcr Sep 2014 #77

It IS cheaper than sending two kids to day care though. I know loads of people who switched after bettyellen Sep 2014 #81

I know loads of people who did it, too. kcr Sep 2014 #84

Did anybody argue that? Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #167

I was a nanny for two families they were both poor both single parents Kalidurga Sep 2014 #95

Was this in the US? kcr Sep 2014 #98

Yes it was in the US but a rural area Kalidurga Sep 2014 #99

Lots of class issues going on, for sure. kcr Sep 2014 #101

I don't have stats, but I wouldn't be shocked if it turned out most child care is informal Kalidurga Sep 2014 #104

I'm sure it is kcr Sep 2014 #106

It should be a top priority Kalidurga Sep 2014 #124

But there are millions who still live here. And work. Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #165

Plenty of people do. And with live-in nannies, part of their pay/benefits pnwmom Sep 2014 #47

Luxury. kcr Sep 2014 #51

Why is it more of a luxury than paying thousands a month for three daycare tuitions? pnwmom Sep 2014 #54

Oh, that's some fine straw. kcr Sep 2014 #55

No, it isn't. Live-in nannies aren't as expensive as you think they are. pnwmom Sep 2014 #58

I'm fully aware of what "good" daycare means. kcr Sep 2014 #62

Why should you call it a luxury for them to choose the less expensive option for multiple children? pnwmom Sep 2014 #65

Why shouldn't I? kcr Sep 2014 #66

Because you're making no sense. The more economical option isn't, by definition, more luxurious. pnwmom Sep 2014 #82

It's only more economical because you're comparing luxurious options kcr Sep 2014 #86

Your Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #168

I often disagree with you but not this time. I do not understand what kcr's issue is, am in agreemen uppityperson Sep 2014 #195

Yes, we can agree. And the irony is pnwmom Sep 2014 #197

You're out of touch. Daycare for one child is AT LEAST 150 a week, add ecstatic Sep 2014 #139

Yep. laundry_queen Sep 2014 #159

And no one is calculating the cost of career damage from sitting out a few years of work.... bettyellen Sep 2014 #79

That poster couldn't care less. S/he thinks it's a luxury for a woman to have a career. n/t pnwmom Sep 2014 #80

Oh no? No one is calclulating that? kcr Sep 2014 #87

I did not see anyone post in consideration of that, but it was definitely a huge concern of bettyellen Sep 2014 #93

I'm sorry, but I think this is a matter of privilege kcr Sep 2014 #96

I hired a live in helper for my Mom that was cheaper than anyone would take for 3 hours/ day. bettyellen Sep 2014 #107

I don't think you can compare live in adult care to hiring a nanny kcr Sep 2014 #109

hell yes I can. because as a woman- I was forced to make the choice to be her caregiver or not.... bettyellen Sep 2014 #114

Caring for a sick person isn't the same. Yes, I agree. The fact this burden falls on women is unfai kcr Sep 2014 #117

the impact on many women's careers are identical though. insurance would only get her bettyellen Sep 2014 #121

Nope. Sorry. Not the same thing. kcr Sep 2014 #123

meh, many would say I had a choice. It sure felt like a choice, as everyone posed t to me as a bettyellen Sep 2014 #127

Look it up kcr Sep 2014 #129

Of course you can. In both situations, a significant part of the pay package is the free room pnwmom Sep 2014 #151

loads of people do nanny shares, and it increases the flexibility you need to work these days... bettyellen Sep 2014 #108

People do timeshares, too. Also a luxury, but less so then flat out buying a second home n/t kcr Sep 2014 #110

I consider vacations a necessity. and cars a luxury. it's all about prioritizing/ tradeoffs bettyellen Sep 2014 #118

Vacations, yes. Owning a second home? No. kcr Sep 2014 #120

nannies can save money if you have 2 plus kids. they are just another option. bettyellen Sep 2014 #122

Nannies can save money if you have two plus kids and don't want to pay the high costs kcr Sep 2014 #126

day care is limited hours, and prices are very regional. as are costs of nannies. bettyellen Sep 2014 #130

I know you are sincere in your belief it is an economical choice. kcr Sep 2014 #131

Economical and a keep your sanity and career choice. Which is another economic benefit. bettyellen Sep 2014 #133

Plenty of people keep their sanity and career without a nanny. Even in NYC. kcr Sep 2014 #134

not when the cost less than day care, they aren't. bettyellen Sep 2014 #135

Right kcr Sep 2014 #136

More assumptions. If you have great credit, sometimes the ecstatic Sep 2014 #140

? Maybe some parents are willing to sacrifice to give their kids 1-on-1 care? Barack_America Sep 2014 #145

That's a great Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #169

methinks there is some bitter envy involved and it's sad elehhhhna Sep 2014 #178

It is if parents mrs_p Sep 2014 #170

Sure it's a perfect question for a GD forum orpupilofnature57 Sep 2014 #13

Maybe they like their jobs leftstreet Sep 2014 #8

This is not related to the "luxury" argument Beringia Sep 2014 #112

I most vociferously endorse the use of nannies to raise the children of the rich. Jackpine Radical Sep 2014 #10

+1 jberryhill Sep 2014 #15

haha! Now there's a positive spin on it! Coventina Sep 2014 #20

Should women with medical degrees not have any children then? Why can't they choose both? n/t pnwmom Sep 2014 #22

My ob/gyn "quit" with her first pregnancy, and then started practicing again Coventina Sep 2014 #33

They aren't "raised by someone else". Sheldon Cooper Sep 2014 #46

Well, maybe it's a problem of perception, then. Because to me a live-in nanny means Coventina Sep 2014 #181

Yeah, and when the kid turns 5 or 6, he/she gets sent off to school for a full day. Sheldon Cooper Sep 2014 #210

Why are you being so judgmental of women with careers? This attitude belongs in freeperville, pnwmom Sep 2014 #50

I am not judgmental of women with careers. Yeesh. Coventina Sep 2014 #180

You are judgmental of MOTHERS with careers, which means you are judgmental pnwmom Sep 2014 #191

No, I never said that either. Coventina Sep 2014 #192

"Beyond any economic need." So if the family doesn't need two incomes, pnwmom Sep 2014 #196

OK, I apologize. I'm DU's WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Coventina Sep 2014 #199

No need for that, and you are far, far, from DU's worst. Not even close. pnwmom Sep 2014 #201

Yep customerserviceguy Sep 2014 #30

It's okay for women (and men) to be both parents AND employees. Sheldon Cooper Sep 2014 #12

My daughter was a professional nanny for several families LiberalEsto Sep 2014 #14

There are stay-at-home parents who are also lousy parents. pnwmom Sep 2014 #19

I wasn't trying to prove any particular point LiberalEsto Sep 2014 #193

Sometimes the children end up liking the nannies better than their own parents bluestateguy Sep 2014 #91

There have been "nannies" since long before there were Humans. DRoseDARs Sep 2014 #16

It takes a pack to raise a cub. Jackpine Radical Sep 2014 #39

And this is any business of you or anyone else how? AngryAmish Sep 2014 #17

Never said it was. And I never intended to ever say anything about it to her. Coventina Sep 2014 #25

just because Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #43

Yes it is, elleng Sep 2014 #156

We have a similar situation Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #164

Yes, OP is silly. elleng Sep 2014 #188

It's the assumption that's created. Coventina Sep 2014 #185

Because Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #208

women should never be dependent on their husbands Skittles Sep 2014 #64

The sixties called, they want your sexism back. joeglow3 Sep 2014 #138

Hubby is less likely to need a shelter Skittles Sep 2014 #163

Because men are tougher and can live outside? joeglow3 Sep 2014 #179

LOL Skittles Sep 2014 #204

Ahhh. Guilt by association joeglow3 Sep 2014 #211

FWIW, Skittles, I totally agree with you. Coventina Sep 2014 #186

Women are just as entitled to careers as their husbands. Welcome to the 21st century. pnwmom Sep 2014 #18

This DemocratSinceBirth Sep 2014 #60

To each their own JustAnotherGen Sep 2014 #21

You mentioned " position and earning power " twice in a row, never mentioned kids orpupilofnature57 Sep 2014 #29

You sound like a freeper. Most progressives support women in their career and family choices. n/t pnwmom Sep 2014 #68

I know I do! JustAnotherGen Sep 2014 #75

I didn't say that about you. I said it to the person you've been arguing with. pnwmom Sep 2014 #132

Thanks for the insult, I do support women as my posts the last 9yrs will orpupilofnature57 Sep 2014 #172

Just saying people I know in this situation JustAnotherGen Sep 2014 #73

Your right, and as far as the woman in SC , Hats off . n/t orpupilofnature57 Sep 2014 #171

See, when I read your first sentence I thought it would be followed by kcr Sep 2014 #45

I'm in a different place JustAnotherGen Sep 2014 #78

Just saying, those who project their place to others miss the mark kcr Sep 2014 #83

Yes I can JustAnotherGen Sep 2014 #88

It's not judging to simply state something is a luxury when it is kcr Sep 2014 #90

Well of course it's a luxury JustAnotherGen Sep 2014 #94

I never said anyone shouldn't. kcr Sep 2014 #103

I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years! YarnAddict Sep 2014 #26

I am pro-choice and non-judgmental on this issue. Nye Bevan Sep 2014 #28

bingo Dorian Gray Sep 2014 #44

Would you be as disgusted if the kids spent the day with a grandparent? LeftyMom Sep 2014 #32

I don't think a grandparent is at all equivalent to a nanny. Coventina Sep 2014 #38

A nanny would probably be more energetic, know CPR, etc REP Sep 2014 #61

The grandmother of the children in question is highly medically trained in CPR & first aid Coventina Sep 2014 #182

How many nannies have you personally known? I'd prefer a cheerful, energetic young nanny pnwmom Sep 2014 #71

Old, tired grandparent? kcr Sep 2014 #137

As I said, and you ignored, there are good caregivers in every category. pnwmom Sep 2014 #142

Full-time live-in? I guess I'm the only one that I know. Coventina Sep 2014 #183

Happy, rested parents XemaSab Sep 2014 #128

I would love to have children yeoman6987 Sep 2014 #35

Me too, so if you had kids and felt like us, then what ? orpupilofnature57 Sep 2014 #37

To some children are status symbols as much as their cars are notadmblnd Sep 2014 #42

It's 'disgusting' for both parents to work, but OK if they have to? kiva Sep 2014 #69

Society would be poorer without women doctors, teachers, engineers, lawyers mainer Sep 2014 #187

Exactly. kiva Sep 2014 #190

How about the parents who SheilaT Sep 2014 #85

In some cultures it does take a village, or a nanny... JCMach1 Sep 2014 #89

I had one, she picked us up from school, watched us from 3pm-6pm weekdays, and on Saturday nights Hippo_Tron Sep 2014 #92

i was a live in, one summer in college. mom was divorced, back in college Liberal_in_LA Sep 2014 #154

My black daughter had a white English nanny ... kwassa Sep 2014 #97

I think the parents can decide what's best for their family gollygee Sep 2014 #100

My parents did, and we weren't wealthy. politicat Sep 2014 #102

thank you for sharing that. Very touching and thought provoking. I find a lot of people don't get bettyellen Sep 2014 #143

seems a bit judgmental to me. Just because you would have decided to do something different doesn't liberal_at_heart Sep 2014 #105

None of your business, focus on yourself and not others. Pisces Sep 2014 #111

so you would deny some people employment? brooklynite Sep 2014 #113

Women, I presume. One of the reasons poverty is so high among women. Barack_America Sep 2014 #148

I quit working when my daughter was born. The job I left was LibDemAlways Sep 2014 #115

What, you think the kiddies can be rolled in cotton batting Warpy Sep 2014 #119

I think the first thing anyone underthematrix Sep 2014 #125

I'm of two minds on this. Liberal Veteran Sep 2014 #141

Being away for 8 hrs per day is ceasing to rear a child? Barack_America Sep 2014 #144

Good questions. n/t pnwmom Sep 2014 #152

live in nanny allows more flexibility for the high powered couple Liberal_in_LA Sep 2014 #146

And it's often less expensive than paying for multiple children in daycare, pnwmom Sep 2014 #149

I think people should live their own lives and make their own decisions. Warren DeMontague Sep 2014 #147

It sounds as if you might be resenting them because you weren't able to have kids pnwmom Sep 2014 #153

Some nannies double as maids and/or cooks haele Sep 2014 #155

I'm wary of having a nanny for this reason.. RandySF Sep 2014 #157

We never 'let our sitter go' in such a fashion, elleng Sep 2014 #158

I think it depends. laundry_queen Sep 2014 #160

Thanks for adding so much to this discussion, Laundry_queen. pnwmom Sep 2014 #161

So easy to judge. I would have loved a nanny instead of some of the babysitters my kids had Hekate Sep 2014 #162

Economics and taxes of nannies exboyfil Sep 2014 #173

... TBF Sep 2014 #175

Why don't you reserve your opinions for things that are your business? Shivering Jemmy Sep 2014 #176

Outside of things that are TRULY harmful, I like to mind my own business CBGLuthier Sep 2014 #177

I don't mind if parents have nannies bigwillq Sep 2014 #184

If every woman stayed home to rear her children, we'd have no women professionals. mainer Sep 2014 #189

Which is exactly why right-wingers write TBF Sep 2014 #200

This is in the marvelous category of MadrasT Sep 2014 #194

I guess it depends on LWolf Sep 2014 #198

Another way to look at it: would you suggest that really rich couples both give up work muriel_volestrangler Sep 2014 #202

My daughter in law is a nanny. nolabear Sep 2014 #205

There's nothing wrong with a live-in nanny slinkerwink Sep 2014 #207

"these kids were planned, not accidents." Trillo Sep 2014 #209