General Discussion

Bettie

(19,712 posts)

87. When they were old enough to understand

Fri Oct 3, 2014, 01:11 PM

Oct 2014

We talked about how our family started and how Julie was our first child.

They knew that we went to the cemetery when we were up to visit Grandma, so we told them about her and how she was their sister, but she didn't get to come home with us.

Mostly, we told them that while they couldn't replace her, they are her brothers, even if she was never with them.

We've always had her picture up with the other kids' newborn pictures. We were fortunate in that the hospital took a regular newborn picture of her and aside from her lips being dark, she looked like any other baby, startlingly like my middle son.

But, they've always been aware and as they have asked questions we have talked about it.

They know that they were planned as a part of the family, we're just missing a piece, but the picture is still a pretty good one.

I hope that makes sense. We have had a long time to deal with this now as my boys are 13, 12, and 6. Julie would have been 16 this year and her three little brothers would no doubt be the bane of her existence.

In any case, for us, the secret was being open about it from the start and waiting until someone asked about the visits to the cemetery or the picture. We then explained in an age appropriate way. It was never some big dramatic thing, just a piece of our lives.

It's weird, I go months without thinking much about it and then BAM some random thing (like this news story) brings it all back.

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The little girl whose birth brought "anger, disappointment and fear" [View all] Liberal_in_LA Oct 2014 OP

What a cute little girl gopiscrap Oct 2014 #1

Her mothers love her. Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #3

i just find the whole thing a turn off JI7 Oct 2014 #5

I suppose you'd be thrilled... TeeYiYi Oct 2014 #7

i don't view people in the same way as things , and i know children can be born JI7 Oct 2014 #11

Nor do I... TeeYiYi Oct 2014 #12

but they aren't just holding hte corporation responsible JI7 Oct 2014 #13

Is it really the mothers (gay couple) being racist?... TeeYiYi Oct 2014 #15

You seem to be offering apology after apology Trajan Oct 2014 #16

Oooohhh... TeeYiYi Oct 2014 #18

...^ that 840high Oct 2014 #179

You aren't accounting for the care with which women make their decisions pnwmom Oct 2014 #17

Can we stop comparing human life to inanimate material goods? Blue_Tires Oct 2014 #111

People of color, unfortunately, are treated differently because of how they look Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #8

i am a person of color JI7 Oct 2014 #10

Were you raised by white parents? Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #14

they are upset about losing racist friends JI7 Oct 2014 #22

There is nothing in the article which suggests that. Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #51

Yeah, and people make the same argument for why lesbians and gays should not have children BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #26

Right, because jobs and houses are so easy to come by. Neoma Oct 2014 #39

I suggest you spend some time Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #49

You obviously didn't read my response downthread BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #92

I think it is funny when people think anecdotes replace stats. joeglow3 Oct 2014 #95

Are you fucking kidding me? BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #102

You position is actually an extension of mine joeglow3 Oct 2014 #105

*She IS their daughter,* no amount of complaining will make her disappear BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #109

You are absolutely correct. Kudos. kwassa Oct 2014 #142

You're right - I didn't. You jumped into the middle of a conversation Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #133

FWIW I don't normally share personal details about myself on the internet BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #136

Mixed feelings - but hate the idea that they should seek financial remuneration karynnj Oct 2014 #43

+1 Blue_Tires Oct 2014 #110

There it is. BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #138

I have serious doubts about them. I heard one say that they were snagglepuss Oct 2014 #126

Are you equally troubled when non-white children raised by white parents Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #131

Apples and oranges. We are discussing the viewpoint of a mature adult not a child. snagglepuss Oct 2014 #132

It is actually primarily the viewpoint of the child that that the women have been talking about Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #134

It is not the viewpoint of the child at all. It is their own selfishness and insensitivity. kwassa Oct 2014 #147

The issue is not how to love and take care of a biracial child. Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #163

White people problems. kwassa Oct 2014 #171

That's what my parents thought, as well (not so hard), Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #174

It is also a very different world that when you and your siblings grew up. kwassa Oct 2014 #175

Cute? She's a Heartbreaker; Adorable. nt Xipe Totec Oct 2014 #4

Honestly, being white parents to a child of color can bring a lot of challenges people aren't ready Brickbat Oct 2014 #2

I wasn't prepared for the fear part of having mixed children Kalidurga Oct 2014 #6

Yup. Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #9

gay people don't experience discrimination ? gay kids usually have straight parents JI7 Oct 2014 #23

Doomed for life - no Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #47

Mmmm hmmmm! MADem Oct 2014 #121

This whole idea that being bi-racial is some kind of disease, some kind of problem BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #19

+ like, a freaking million Number23 Oct 2014 #20

"It's white yuppie entitlement and it is as low as it goes" JI7 Oct 2014 #24

And I have no sympathy for anyone but the little girl BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #27

+1000 smirkymonkey Oct 2014 #30

I agree Renew Deal Oct 2014 #41

Well said. LittleBlue Oct 2014 #70

Exactly! BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #101

Another fantastic post. Hopefully your attemps to educate have some success Number23 Oct 2014 #139

You are so right BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #144

And I'd be RIGHT there with you, brother Number23 Oct 2014 #148

"...acting like she's half alien." That's it, in a nutshell. n/t Gormy Cuss Oct 2014 #154

Thank you for this post JustAnotherGen Oct 2014 #88

Wow! gollygee Oct 2014 #100

+1 Blue_Tires Oct 2014 #112

plus 1 billion Liberal_in_LA Oct 2014 #114

I'm sorry to be all over your thread BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #184

Using a sperm bank is an item where women do get to look and choose as best they can glowing Oct 2014 #116

I have no problem with the lawsuit based on the fact that the clinic screwed up BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #135

I can't say that she didn't have those initial reactions to the idea of raising a child bi-racial glowing Oct 2014 #137

What you are saying is what we hope all parents who truly loved their children would say BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #140

If she is a gay woman with a daughter, how did she get that daughter? kwassa Oct 2014 #145

Yes, wouldn't it be ironic if some of her neighbors or her friends did interviews BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #151

I am usually pro-active in those situations kwassa Oct 2014 #159

You're right, most people feel embarrassed more than anything if they make a mistake BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #162

All it really takes is open-mindedness, and a willingness to learn. kwassa Oct 2014 #170

That has been my experience BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #172

Thank you, and the same to you and yours. kwassa Oct 2014 #173

Here's another scenario to add to your list: Tanuki Oct 2014 #168

That sounds like love BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #169

You hit the nail on the head and echoed what i couldn't even articulate. kestrel91316 Oct 2014 #155

"anger, disappointment and fear" when she learned she was pregnant with the child and now splashing Number23 Oct 2014 #21

Wouldn't change anything about her except the color of her skin BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #25

Do they not understand that someday their child is going to know what they said? Marrah_G Oct 2014 #28

I was thinking the same thing Renew Deal Oct 2014 #36

Actually, that's not true. They didn't learn about the mixup when the baby was born. pnwmom Oct 2014 #29

The paternity would always be random Renew Deal Oct 2014 #34

Not true at all Orrex Oct 2014 #48

It's the luck of the draw with any mating partner whether you "know" them or not. Renew Deal Oct 2014 #55

You seem not to understand what "random" means. Orrex Oct 2014 #58

No, they didn't choose a random person from a range. They went through bios and chose pnwmom Oct 2014 #68

They didn't choose a random guy at all. They chose a specific man based on particular details pnwmom Oct 2014 #67

Why no abortion though? When I recieve something I didnt want I return it and get a refund. nt ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #120

She was 5 months into her pregnancy. Most women wouldn't choose pnwmom Oct 2014 #124

I don t try to presume to know what most women would choose. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #166

You can't ever have been a pregnant woman to have just said what you said. pnwmom Oct 2014 #167

I don t presume to know another s state of mind. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #177

That is what I've been saying, but many here have disagreed with me. pnwmom Oct 2014 #180

Totally agree with you. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #181

Oh look, it's a snarky anti-choicer pretending that they would have a totally gratuitous late-term kestrel91316 Oct 2014 #158

Lol please 5 months is harshly late term. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #165

I rest my case. I don't know ANY prochoicers who would call a 5 mo abortion kestrel91316 Oct 2014 #176

Well you haven t been on here long enough. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #178

Does #330 have any parental rights over this kid? Renew Deal Oct 2014 #31

Almost certainly NO to both questions. MineralMan Oct 2014 #32

Are they all "donors" Renew Deal Oct 2014 #33

If you buy sperm from a sperm bank, it was provided MineralMan Oct 2014 #37

Depends on the state I think. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #122

Not if it was done through a sperm bank. Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #182

Life's a crapshoot. MineralMan Oct 2014 #35

There is a glass partition that goes up to her head. Hard to see. Rex Oct 2014 #40

Ah! Now I can see the reflection, after looking more closely. MineralMan Oct 2014 #42

Very welcome, it is hard to see. Rex Oct 2014 #52

I hope she doesn't, too. The child makes me go ooooh. MineralMan Oct 2014 #53

It's almost certainly high-strength tempered glass Orrex Oct 2014 #46

I thought I was the only one who saw the danger! JustAnotherGen Oct 2014 #90

What a cute kid! Rex Oct 2014 #38

I think they were pissed that they didn't get the designer child MineralMan Oct 2014 #45

Fear of the hard time she'll have growing up with white parents in a racist country Warpy Oct 2014 #106

Good point, I was wondering if that is what she meant. Rex Oct 2014 #108

It's not that bad as there are so many biracial people today BrotherIvan Oct 2014 #183

To anyone who dismisses this by claiming "it's a crapshoot..." Orrex Oct 2014 #44

Since I'm the one who said that, I'll respond. MineralMan Oct 2014 #50

No, that's absurdist Tralfamadorian fatalism Orrex Oct 2014 #54

Fatalism, eh? MineralMan Oct 2014 #56

Seriously? Orrex Oct 2014 #57

Yes, seriously. MineralMan Oct 2014 #60

That's more of the post hoc rationalization Orrex Oct 2014 #64

This message was self-deleted by its author AngryAmish Oct 2014 #59

She's not blonde and blue-eyed Catherine Vincent Oct 2014 #61

What is it about brown eyes and dark hair kiva Oct 2014 #156

So many DU'ers are making unfounded assumptions about the couple involved. It's freaking me out. KittyWampus Oct 2014 #62

The fucking sanctimony oozing through this thread makes me want to puke. 11 Bravo Oct 2014 #63

^^That. Orrex Oct 2014 #65

At some point this kid will see these threads Renew Deal Oct 2014 #76

She is. So what? jeff47 Oct 2014 #80

I agree with this assessment Skittles Oct 2014 #128

Holding the company responsible Lex Oct 2014 #66

Poor little girl Bettie Oct 2014 #69

I'm not sure about that. MoonRiver Oct 2014 #73

Usually, the original preference Bettie Oct 2014 #74

I probably wouldn't sue either. MoonRiver Oct 2014 #77

Holding the company responsible Lex Oct 2014 #79

I wouldn't choose to sue Bettie Oct 2014 #81

did they talk about anger fear and sorry for not being accepted by bigots in the neighborhoods ? JI7 Oct 2014 #99

What a cutie pie! Her mothers are truly blessed! MoonRiver Oct 2014 #71

"anger, disappointment and fear" ??? I can't imagine those words applied to ANY healthy birth. hunter Oct 2014 #72

Anger, disappointment, and fear Bettie Oct 2014 #75

Since you've mentioned several times in this context, I am inclined to ask Orrex Oct 2014 #84

When they were old enough to understand Bettie Oct 2014 #87

Sounds like you handled it in a loving and beautiful way (nt) Orrex Oct 2014 #89

Thanks Bettie Oct 2014 #96

You know what is TRULY True 4Q2u2 Oct 2014 #86

Sorry she never made it Bettie Oct 2014 #91

Sorry for Your loss as well 4Q2u2 Oct 2014 #93

I love the smell of hypocritical self-righteousness in the morning. Kurska Oct 2014 #78

I still don't understand why this is being foisted as a racist issue against the mothers. Xyzse Oct 2014 #82

The mothers made it an issue about race. That is why we are talking about it. kwassa Oct 2014 #143

I didn't see them being uncomfortable about the race of their daughter in the more reserved articles Xyzse Oct 2014 #189

If the company broke their contract, then the couple has a legitimate claim. bluestateguy Oct 2014 #83

it was the mother who brought up race JI7 Oct 2014 #97

I see both sides. But I have to say in that situation I would not have sued even though the corp stevenleser Oct 2014 #85

I think I see what they are doing bluestateguy Oct 2014 #98

Just look at her face. AtomicKitten Oct 2014 #94

The parents are suing to provide their daughter with a better environment, in addition to MADem Oct 2014 #103

That can't be right Orrex Oct 2014 #107

I think the one thing that we know is that no one here knows this couple, or their kid. MADem Oct 2014 #113

See, what you're doing there... Orrex Oct 2014 #115

If we took the race out of it, or flipped it, I wonder if people would feel the same way? MADem Oct 2014 #118

Thanks for being able to relate this in a far clearer way than I have. Xyzse Oct 2014 #123

Yes - that is (as a general rule) how they match donors. Ms. Toad Oct 2014 #185

Thank you for adding that--I was out of my depth and I admit, making assumptions based MADem Oct 2014 #186

Female victim of corporate irresponsibility gets dragged through the mud on du. NCTraveler Oct 2014 #104

I liked the old days, when you just drove to the sperm bank where the mistake was made... hunter Oct 2014 #117

no, it's her own comments on race which did it JI7 Oct 2014 #130

She could have azmom Oct 2014 #141

Why didnt she just abort it? ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #119

This is a ridiculous reply gollygee Oct 2014 #125

I don t mean because the fetus was biracial, it just wasn t the donor she ordered. ncjustice80 Oct 2014 #164

How horrible for that child when she learns that she was a disappointment snagglepuss Oct 2014 #127

Like many here I had mixed feelings upon hearing about this story. If the mothers are successful in mother earth Oct 2014 #129

I used donor sperm and I totally understand why these parents feel this way rebecca_herman Oct 2014 #146

"robbed of my right as the parent to make a decision of what was best for the child" = no brown skin Liberal_in_LA Oct 2014 #150

You totally missed the point. rebecca_herman Oct 2014 #160

I used to work in a blood bank. Making a mistake like this would kill people. hunter Oct 2014 #161

This is probably the best post in this entire discussion. Your last paragraph nails down the issue- MADem Oct 2014 #187

Adorableness! (And I am not one to go gaga over kids.) WinkyDink Oct 2014 #149

If the mothers couldn't deal with her being black I'd take her home and raise her myself. kimbutgar Oct 2014 #152

"Fear"???? Why? kestrel91316 Oct 2014 #153

They live in a racist town. nt MADem Oct 2014 #188

Here's What RobinA Oct 2014 #157