The little girl whose birth brought "anger, disappointment and fear"

[MADem]

118. If we took the race out of it, or flipped it, I wonder if people would feel the same way?

Say two slight, dark haired caucasian women were looking for a slight, dark haired caucasian donor and by mistake they ended up with the sperm of an Arnold Schwarzenegger look alike. By the time the kid is three, he's enormous and blonde, like a cross between Bam-Bam and Baby Huey, and everyone thinks the moms are the babysitters. Or the caucasian moms get Asian sperm, and find themselves with a child who people think they've adopted from China. They constantly get the "Oh, aren't you so nice to ADOPT" line when that's not what they did. Even though adoption is a wonderful thing, it can grate on a birth parent when people tell you that you've adopted your biological child.

I think the blame lies entirely with the sperm bank in promising them that they would match the donor father to the mother's desires, that they had a protocol in place to provide people with a screening process so they could select attributes that are important to them, and then, through sheer sloppiness, not following through with their promises. If they want it to be a "random" process, why not rename the sperm bank the Wheel of Fortune and let the evolution be like putting money on the table and spinning the wheel? Round and round and round she goes....where she stops, nobody knows! Congratulations, madame, you're child is half ....... (fill in blank after DNA tests are done following birth!).

It would be the same degree of offense if a black couple with an infertile father went and screened for a donor who looked a bit like the father so as to fit into the extended family unit, who shared the same characteristics, interests, educational level and pursuits of the father-to-be, and -- ooops! that poor mother ended up with the Ahhnuld sperm or the Jackie Chan look-alike sperm. It's not a question of "I don't like this RACE" it's "This is not what I ordered." That imaginary family would love THEIR child just as much--even though the sperm bank didn't provide the requested sample from the appropriate donor. And they'd still have to listen to sniffing at the holidays from Uncle This One or Aunt That One who would have something to say about Baby Ahhnuld/Little Jackie, when it isn't their business. And if they made this mistake with a heterosexual couple, like this one I'm inventing, here, who's to say the parents might not have wanted to keep the whole donor sperm issue quiet and between themselves? A mistake like this would sure make that impossible--the people who didn't know the circumstances would assume that the wife was a cheat, or the child was the product of a previous liaison, or something.

I mean, look at that kid. She's alert, engaged, clearly happy as hell, and gorgeous. Hell, I'd take that kid in a heartbeat if she needed a home, I'm sure anyone would. But I think she's well loved, so that's just not the issue, here. The issue is that actions have consequences. The actions of the sperm bank should have consequences. They made a promise, and they failed at it and they need to understand that splashing the sperm around willy-nilly is just not OK. If they make promises, they need to keep them, and not play the "Oh well, then you're a racist" game when it comes to their screw up. It's appropriate that they relocate this family to a less white-centric community, that they provide counseling all around as needed, and that they compensate this family for the agita they endured as a consequence of having to change their plans, move, maybe even find new work. I hope that enough is left over to help with that lovely young child's college fund, too.