School Districts Getting Rid of 'Dangerous' Swings, Merry-go-rounds also

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23. Earth To Be Made Child-Safe - Now "Sportin' Kids Family Fun Play Globe"

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The U.N. resolution was the result of thousands of phone calls from worried parents concerned about child safety hazards lurking in the earth's widely varying terrain and ecosystems.

"I've been complaining about Nepal for years," said Sandy Haberman, president of the Arlington Heights, IL, Fearful Parents Association. "Have you seen that country? Those mountains there are just an accident waiting to happen."

To help increase kids' awareness of the potential dangers of mountains like Nepal's Everest, James Brown recently recorded a new promotional safety song, "Get Down Offa That Thing! (You Could Fall and Hurt Yourself)."

The massive overhaul of the earth's surface involves several major steps: First, all topography will be evened out to a height of two feet above sea level. Lakes and rivers, long known for their fast currents and dangerous bacteria, will be drained, paved and covered in shag carpeting. Hazardous animals like alligators and tigers will have their sharp teeth replaced with soft, non-toxic, extra-large "fun foam" cushions.

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/earth-to-be-made-childsafe,1088/