General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: Why am I always reminded here on DU that women can be abusive just like men? [View all]chervilant
(8,267 posts)the anger you might be feeling (justifiably) toward your abuser to all women, particularly feminists. The overall tone I get from your post is anger, even though you seem to have mellowed a bit.
After 35 years of advocacy for survivors of relationship violence, I have this to say to you: relationship violence, like racism, is a difficult pill for some men to swallow, because, overwhelmingly, white males are the ones who've been responsible for these behaviors. Those white men who are NOT racist and who do NOT abuse are taxed with the legacy of these patriarchal socio-cultural precepts, which relegate women and children to a 'second-class' citizenry and men to the role of abuser/racist. This is difficult to hear, and difficult not to personalize.
And, in your paragraph wherein you state:
First, I'll make an admission that no woman can offer after a domestic violence incident, I did indeed provoke her ire.
I think you might benefit from knowing that many survivors, who are mostly women, will do things to provoke their abuser. Please see Dr. Lenore Walker's "The Battered Woman" for a cogent, detailed description of why, but here's my synopsis: survivors learn early on that provoking an attack will end the "walking on eggshells" period, and will initiate some variation of the "honeymoon" period, when the abuser acts apologetic and remorseful. More importantly, provoking an attack (at least early in the abusive relationship) will motivate the abuser to refrain from abusing (at least for a while). Countless survivors have said to me, "I just wanted to get it (the pending attack) over with, so I didn't have to wonder when it was coming." As the abuse escalates, however, the assaults happen more frequently and become more dangerous (deadly), and the honeymoon period often disappears.
Another thing you have in common with the survivors for whom I've done advocacy is your adjuration that you're 'still friends' with your abuser. Survivors struggle with continuing to identify with their abusers. Countless survivors have said to me, "If I could flip a light switch to turn off my love for him (her), I'd go around flipping every light switch I could find!" Many have said that this is because they are still in love with the compassionate, trustworthy initial version of their abuser before the abuse--their "knight in shining armor" with whom they fell in love.
I have advocated for only two male survivors, and countless female survivors (some were lesbians, so their abusers were female). I have no difficulty acknowledging that men can be--and are--survivors of relationship violence. I have long adjured that we need resources to help batterers learn healthy, non-threatening conflict resolution skills, but we've yet to see a sea change in our society that will mean that relationship violence is a long-ago, archaic issue. Until then, men will continue to be taxed with the knowledge that most people who batter are men.