Have you ever been bullied by a parent with Dimentia? I have and I want to tell you my story

[lonewolf674]

21. I had to come out of lurking to reply to this

Because you've described something similar to my own situation. Let me preface what I'm going to say by noting that I'm not a psychiatrist or a medical doctor. Except for the physical abuse, the description of your grandmother's behavior basically described my mother. She's bipolar but not on any medication to treat it. People with that disease are notorious for being bullying control freaks, which sometimes does become physical abuse, and they seem to love micromanaging other people's lives for them. Often, people with the disease aren't aware that their behavior is making other people's lives a living hell, and I personally think that's because people who are bipolar lack the capability to empathize with other people's needs and feelings. In any case, in my mother's mind it's everyone else who has the problem but never her or her behavior.

As other people on this thread have already told you the best solution is for you to get out of that situation, and from your post, it sounds like you already know that's the best solution. However, if you choose to stay, or leave but keep your grandmother in some aspect of your life, you need to understand a couple things: you will never have a normal relationship with her as long as whatever is going on with her mentally remains untreated, and you will have to be comfortable with setting boundaries and enforcing them when she inevitably starts crossing the line. She can only treat you in a manner that you allow her to. With my mother, when she has gone on one of her tears, sometimes all it has taken is telling her to leave my home, and not to come back until she's capable of treating me with respect and dignity. As I'm also the caregiver for my grandmother, who is in the moderate to severe stage of Alzheimer's, I remind my mother that her mother doesn't need to deal with her antics either. Setting boundaries like that usually sends my mother into a rage, but you know what? I don't care because I'm allowed to have my own peace of mind, as are you, and I already have enough on my plate taking care of my grandmother, my home, my dog and doing everything I need to do as far as my career and myself without having to deal with her issues.

As far as your suspicion that your grandmother is developing dementia, short term memory loss isn't always a precursor of that disease but it can be an indicator. When I first started caring for my grandparents, I learned not all doctors are adept at identifying dementia spectrum diseases in the early stage. Does your grandmother have health insurance? Because the best advice I can give is to find out if it covers a referral to a neurologist, particularly one who's experienced in dealing with elderly populations, and getting her in for an exam. You may have to stretch the truth or trick her into going because people in the early stages of dementia spectrum diseases will sometimes believe there's nothing wrong with them, or will try covering it up to the point of becoming belligerent because they sense there's something wrong with them but are confused about the why. A neuro will run a set of diagnostic tests and if your grandmother does indeed have a dementia spectrum disease, can identify the specific disease, stage her and work from there. However, if she does have a dementia spectrum disease and you choose to stay, you have to understand that as the disease progresses and her cognitive abilities decline, she will become increasingly dependent on you. When I started out with my grandparents, all I had to do was make sure they were taking their meds and eating properly. Now, my grandmother requires assistance with just about everything someone without the disease can do for themselves like getting in and out of bed, getting dressed, self care, walking, etc. And this is on top of med management and meal preparation. From your post, it sounds like you're someone who values their freedom, and caregiving for someone with a dementia spectrum disease is the opposite of that. There's nothing wrong with that either because caregiving is not for everyone. It's a lot of work, especially in terms of physical labor, it's very time consuming and there are a lot of things in your own life that will have to be put on hold while you're caring for the person. Some people also can't do it because of their own feelings toward the person with the disease would get in the way of caring for them. So if because of your situation you think your grandmother would be better off in an assisted living facility, you shouldn't feel bad if you have to put her in one.

I hope you're able to figure things out and get your grandmother the care she obviously needs now and is going to need in the future. As I said, I can certainly empathize with your situation. Things may seem overwhelming right now, but they will work themselves out in time.