Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't remember the last time a sitting president....

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

37. The conversation will continue like this:

Staffer 1: We need to book the boss on one of these shows.

Staffer 2: Yeah! How about The Colbert Report? Colbert is one of us! And the young folks love him!

Staffer 1: Uh, dude, no; he's not one of us. I don't think appearing on that show would be helpful.

Staffer 3: Obama can sing. Can the boss sing? Could he go on some kind of variety show? Like A Prairie Home Companion?

Staffer 1: He can't carry a tune in a bucket. And A Prairie Home Companion is on public radio. We're against public radio. Also, Garrison Keillor is a liberal.

Staffer 2: How about The Lawrence Welk Show? That's good, wholesome music.

Staffer 1: {facepalm} That show has been off the air for like a thousand years. And even when it was on, nobody watched it who was under 90.

Staffer 2: The demographic is perfect, though.

Staffer 3: I think he should go on a show where he can tell jokes.

Staffer 1: He sucks at jokes.

Staffer 3: So let's hire somebody to write some jokes for him. Maybe Jerry Lewis?

Staffer 2: He should do the intro on Saturday Night Live some time when they have a really famous band or singer on that the kids will tune in to watch.

Staffer 1: {sighs} Like who? Barry Manilow?

Staffer 2: Ted Nugent, of course.

Staffer 1: Yeah, like SNL is ever going to book Ted Nugent. In your dreams.

Staffer 3: He needs to do something edgy.

Staffer 1: He isn't edgy. He's the political equivalent of blancmange.

Staffer 3: What's blancmange?

Staffer 2: Maybe he should wear different clothes. Maybe a Members Only jacket? Or Dockers with one of those colorful belts with little whales on it? Or a motorcycle jacket and chaps?

Staffer 1: He'd look like one of the Village People. Or the Village People's nerdy dad.

Staffer 3: Can he get a guest appearance on one of those shows about vampires? The kids love those.

Staffer 1: {bangs head on table} You know what? We're doomed. And I quit.