Best police report ever:

[eridani]

7. You haven't seen hilarious until you've seen Arcata, CA police reports

http://www.sfgate.com/books/article/Arcata-police-log-gets-writer-s-poetic-caress-2733710.php

If that's not an option, now you can curl up with an armchair edition of the experience, a collection humbly titled "The Police Log: True Crime & More from Arcata, California," by Kevin L. Hoover, editor and publisher of the Arcata Eye.

Here's a taste of the lighter side of crime in the Redwood Empire:

Oct. 30, 2001, 6:41 a.m.: "One had a hat, one a hood/ And both were way up to no good/ Four cars fell to ravage/ Now were they just savage/ Or lonely and misunderstood?"

Aug. 24, 2000, 1:19 a.m.: "The delicate fluorescent ambiance of a 24-hour doughnut shop was either shattered or enhanced, depending on your perspective, by a public he-she frisson. The feuding fuss-budgets took their leave."

Sept. 8, 2000, 1:38 p.m.: "Cows made it out of their pasture onto Bayside Cutoff, but proved too stupid to take their liberation from enslavement any further."

Jan. 22, 2001, 3:19 p.m.: "The sound of that bongo was like a searing needle plunged into the cerebellum of a Plaza business-person. The artist ceased his bonking and left."

Nov. 16, 2001, 1:05 p.m.: "A man at the front counter said/ An antenna's been placed in his head/ Is it yours? he asked cops/ And with that, wandered off/ To get back, one would hope, on his meds."