A cartoon about rape culture and risk

[TygrBright]

95. Bad timing, bad choice of places to make this theoretically valid point.

In a very general way, of course you are correct. The more conscientiously (and honestly) we tell each other about our feelings, why we respond the way we're responding, and so on, the more likely we are to build a species that communicates well, values empathy, and exhibits respect among individuals.

However, kindly consider a few things that modify this general principle:

First, where there is an unequal power dynamic: In any interaction where one individual by virtue of position, gender, status, race, or other factor, has a greater power to harm the other person, it's not always a good idea for the one from the default-less-powerful stance to expose vulnerability by a frank and open discussion of feelings.

This also holds true in interactions where either party has been victimized by manipulative and/or passive/aggressive exploitation of their feelings by other individual(s) in the past. It's something of an unreasonable expectation for someone who's experienced such interactions to take the initiative in exposing themselves to it again.

This is not to say it's not a noble act and indicative of laudable spiritual and psychological balance and strength to rise above such experience, or to ignore one's status as default-less-powerful, and take the risk of conscientiously and honestly sharing feelings with the intent of benefiting someone else by providing them with useful information and perspective and a chance to empathize.

But it's still not a reasonable expectation.

Decades ago I had little experience in interacting with people of other races-- I was raised in a very homogeneous community, and being white, I absorbed the racism of my culture without even being conscious of it. Even though I was raised a classic liberal, a believer in civil rights and a supporter of equality, a child of people who would never knowingly or consciously discriminate, a whole bevy of racist assumptions, experiences, and expectations were part of my operating system, just because of the culture in which I was raised.

But as a naive young idealist, I wanted to exhibit how not-racist I was to the black people I began encountering, at University, and in the workplace. I wanted them to know I was on their side, I supported their struggle, etc. I asked questions-- I wanted them to cut me slack when I unwittingly said something or acted offensively, and tell me what was offensive and help me avoid that in the future.

You know what? A few of them, kindly, did so. A few of them, exasperatedly, did so.

But the one who made a real impression on me? The one who pushed me past the "I'm not a racist, I have good intentions" barrier, to understanding and trying to deal with my own racism?

THAT person was the young man who told me "You know, it's not my responsibility to educate you about racism. It's not the responsibility of any person of color to educate any or all white people about racism. I, for one, am tired of having to act like it's not your fault you're white and therefore you are owed my time and attention in explaining everything to you very kindly and considerately as though you, and not I, are the one being victimized. If you want to understand racism, if you want to not be a racist, then make your own effort to read, to study, to think, to observe, and to change. There's plenty of stuff out there to help you."

And I did.

And I think that's the point in this cartoon, which I'll assume you missed because you are genuinely and benignly concerned with the issue of communications, without actually thinking past that to the nuances of power, experience, status, hierarchy, discrimination, etc., and how those things inform communication and change the nature of roles and responsibilities for the parties involved.

patiently,
Bright