When Illness Makes a Spouse a Stranger (can we talk?)

[Ms. Toad]

149. If you want to stay, here are some suggestions.

My spouse has some form of dementia (the current diagnosis is mild cognitive impairment consistent with the early stages of Alzheimers). From my experience with her, your posts generally, and your posts referencing your illness, I expected you had a similar diagnosis.

With my spouse, because it is not yet obvious to most people, people expect her to be herself. In many ways she is, but in other important ways she is not. So people count on her to do things she is no longer capable of doing - and because she has always been capable of doing them they are sometimes cranky with her when she falls on her face. Her family, who she has not told keep making "jokes" about dementia. They are seeing her deficits, but don't recognize what they are seeing.

So some of what I have seen in your posts, and in how people respond, is very familiar to me. People who know you are seeing you aren't yourself. Others who don't necessarily know you are seeing dementia, without recognizing what they are seeing and using it as a put down.

Now that you have announced your diagnosis, people who know you will be more understanding when you aren't yourself. The challenge is that not everyone will see this thread. I think you could nudge people to being gentle with you by making your condition more visible. Perhaps include it in your signature line (with a link to this thread - or the articles you have linked to) and in your profile. That would likely mean you could keep posting quite happily here for some time (particularly with nudges to those being rude from your friends).

But it is a good reminder to everyone here that each of us is dealing with things that are invisible to others. I see several comments in this thread from people who would have been kinder or more understanding had they known. Perhaps we should work harder at not needing to know in order to be kinder and more understanding.