The male suicides: Social perfectionism is killing men — and things are getting worse

[davidthegnome]

7. Being a man in this society is... conflicted.

Whether you live by old fashioned notions or newer ones, there are certain expectations, social norms and things that I myself, as a man, have found hard to get away from. I grew up in (and remain in) a conservative rural area filled with so called "manly men". I know a giant of a man who lives nearby and seems almost a prime example of this. A hard face that rarely shows a smile, perhaps because he is trying to be tough and hard, or perhaps (and more likely) because he works fourteen hours a day and has forgotten how.

My Father is... "masculine" for want of a better word. He loves baseball and football - and screams at the television frequently when watching it. In my childhood, he worked often 80-100 hours a week and would often come home and tell us kids (my three sisters and I) to "scoot" it's adult time. A good man, but a man who grew up being taught that to be vulnerable is to be weak. This made it difficult (for many years) for him and his deeply emotionally troubled son (me) to see eye to eye. Some times, it is still difficult.

His own Father had little patience with anything seen as emotional instability, laziness, or weakness. Part of the greatest generation, so to speak. He joined the marines at 17, during world war two, and spent years in a hell that I don't like to imagine.

Provide. Protect. Show strength. Do all that is expected of you, call it easy and demand more. Boys (or men) don't cry. Boys (or men) don't show fear, or cower under the covers at night because they're scared of the dark (and ghosts!) as I was - and did.

I have struggled with post traumatic stress disorder for the vast majority of my life now. I am often vulnerable, some times shaking myself to sleep at night. I take two medications for anxiety and depression, and have had long bouts of being "in between" jobs. As I write this, I have just recently resigned from a full time job (effective two weeks from yesterday) because it was stressing me out too much and worsening my anxiety.

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. In my early twenties and teens I was hospitalized a time or three. I have been vulnerable, weak, shaken, beaten all to hell, terrified, overwhelmed, and altogether not, perhaps, an example of a "manly man".

Yet... as the years go by, I find that what holds deeper meaning for me, what lasts and touches my heart and soul most deeply are the deeper interactions I have with other people. Compassion - empathy, not only showing our pain, but sharing our pain and inviting others to share theirs. Their doubts, fears, their greatest ambitions. Such things have kept me moving forward, despite all I have suffered. Others who, despite great suffering and trouble of their own, have reached out to me in compassion - enabling me (and teaching me how) to do the same.

I must, given who I am - and who I have been, look for an alternate way to be a "man" in this conflicted society. I have found my strength in my faith in humanity. I have found that kindness (whether my own or that of others) is far stronger than any sort of "hardness" or pretense at invulnerability. I have found my deepest meaning within love, generosity and compassion. I found simplicity and joy in the simple and fun things of life - in childlike innocence, laughter, and play.

The hard faced, stereo-typical notion of the man is not for me. Others may keep it if they wish, but there is something much, much better. It is being a person. A human being. A being that is emotional and spiritual as much as physical. One that bleeds, cries, laughs and farts as much as any other.

Our very weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our suffering... when these things lead to compassion and humanity as they so often do... that, is, to me, what makes a man. Further, it is what makes a man strong. It is what enables him to grow beyond a prime social example of the great male dominant monkey... and into something much more human, something precious, fragile, vulnerable, and beautiful.

We (men) need to learn that it is okay to defy our stereo-types, that it is okay (and should be encouraged) to be vulnerable, to share with others who we are and how feel.