The male suicides: Social perfectionism is killing men — and things are getting worse

[Prism]

112. Dealing with this again this month. There's a perception of failure.

I've had a lot of young male suicide in my family (all in their 20s). Earlier this month, a friend, also in his 20s, ended his life, leaving family and friends devastated and trying to piece together what happened.

All that follows is my own anecdotal thoughts and perceptions:

It's a strange thing, because we have this view that suicidal people are despondent, depressed, potentially mentally ill. But that isn't always the case. Sometimes, there is absolutely nothing there to signal that something is going wrong.

I've spent the past two weeks looking at Bill's facebook (not his real name). He posted pictures of a happy life, talked of the future, near and long term, and had just landed a decent job after completing a post-graduate degree. He was an attractive guy with plenty of friends, but I know he also faced pressures. He was Asian-American, and he was a bit slow out of the gate latching on to what he wanted to do with his life. He didn't pursue his degree in one long bout. He obtained a bachelor's, worked a bit, then returned to school later. From the passing conversations I can piece together, he regretted that he didn't succeed as straightforwardly as many of his peers. He was young - only 28 - but he already perceived himself to be somewhat behind. I wonder if he thought he wouldn't catch up.

I see this a lot in male despondence. There's a sense of having made the wrong choices, not having accomplished as much as early as they "ought" to have. Of the friends I have who I somewhat monitor and worry about, a common theme is that there was a mistake made, be it educational, occupational, or relationship related, early on in life that is somehow immutably tied to the possibility (or perceived certainty) of future failure.

It's a strange kind of "Well, I can never succeed in life to the degree I ought to have because I did X in the past." It's like an emotional paralyzation brought on by regret, and motivated by the internal pressure to succeed and do as well, if not better, than one's peers.

I see it again and again and again. The young suicides in my family were also preceded by these "failures" (two of them happened after very emotionally turbulent relationships failed, one after failing out of school).

Right now, I'm thinking of Bill. I see all his pictures - so recent - and posts about how he was looking forward to the return of a favorite tv show, the trips he was going to take this summer. I wouldn't have guessed. No one guessed. No one knew. Right up until the very end, everything he presented to the world seemed happy, content, succeeding in life.

Right up until he posted "Good night" and meant it.