When I was a young man, I participated in some bullying. I remember it as clear as day.

[xfundy]

13. I was bullied. I became a bullly, to kids smaller & weaker than me.

I grew taller. I also grew fatter, and heard every week at church how people like me, gay people, were going to hell. I was fucking miserable for most of high school, became enormously fat, and began picking on smaller guys, smarter guys, etc., at several points even yelling out bible verses at them.

And all of it was just to try to draw attention away from me, and maybe get to be close to the guys I liked on the football team, scout troop, etc., only to be treated like shit by the guys I idolized and abused others for the entertainment of. (English police, weapons down.)

Of course I regret it. Being too stupid and/or weak to stand up for myself, then being cruel to guys I could sit on as the "cool" guys applauded. What an asshole I was.

Now, the boy scout handbook, every book at the public and church library, and the church sermons, etc., always assured me I'd "grow out of" my attraction to other guys. At 18, I realized I wouldn't, but went on for years in the same patterns– after all, the adults, preachers, people who had lived life and surely "knew," from church, scouts, dictionary publishers, Christian publishers, etc., would never lie, right?

Took me till about age 25 to realize it was all lies. 25 is about the age I'd guess most guys finally figure out they're not immortal. But it still took me 13 more years to realize I was an atheist, then, after careful consideration of the evidence on both sides, I decided I was agnostic.

Sorry, I didn't plan for the gut spilling. It just happened, probably in the wrong forum, etc.

Whatever, I did it, no apologies.