selfdelete

[Kalidurga]

87. Thank you I feel guilty about getting away so much

And I shouldn't feel this way if there was no abuse, right? But, I do feel guilty and it doesn't come from no where, so some part of me must know that things weren't kosher with my siblings when I left that things were happening that I could not stop, nor could I bring them all with me where I was going. It makes some sense now the hostility I got for my disappearing acts. I haven't asked my sisters about abuse with friends of the family, but one sister alluded to a partial memory I think. I can't remember how it came up, but the abuser was a red haired man, the same one I had the dream about that made me sick also for no apparent reason because I don't remember a specific abuse, just the situation was hinky.

Thank you for understanding even more than I can possibly hope to. I didn't see it as escaping abuse, I saw it as abandoning my siblings even though I didn't really have the words to explain what I was leaving or what I was leaving them to face without me.