I'm so glad I'm off work tonight (space to absorb the impact of the tragedy in S.C.) [View all]

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I'll have 24 hours or so to absorb the impact of the church shooting in S.C. last night. It's probably going to have more impact on me at home, though, because at work I'm challenged to keep my true, deep emotions and anguish in check.

It's not just the revulsion at the fact that so many people have been killed - although, that's certainly enough to cause great grief - my anguish is wrapped up in the realization that I have never been able to move fully past the point where I can feel people like me aren't targets for racism, bigotry, and violent attacks precipitated by someone's objection to the color of our skin.

As in most public cases like this one, we tend to think back to our own families and our own vulnerabilities as we defend our individual opinions. That's not a trivial or contrived reaction, from most, I believe. There are unresolved and active issues involving race and its relationship with the efforts and actions of our government, and society as a whole. Many of these go to the heart of what many would regard as their citizenship rights. It may well be a projection, but it's natural, I think, for folks to relate these events to their own life experiences and the resolution and disposition of which can be both symbolically and substantively significant to them.

I remember wearing a black ribbon to work the day of the nationwide protest against the beating of Rodney King. I had to work and couldn't attend the protest event so it was said that we could demonstrate our solidarity by wearing the ribbon. When my store manager (an open Reagan supporter) saw it he knew immediately what it was and demanded I remove it. We have a pretty good company and I called the race relations manager at corporate and was first told no. I explained that I had heard that the inner city stores were handing them out to employees and I was put on hold. She came back and told me that she had confirmed this and that I'd be able to wear it in my suburban store.

I still have that ribbon. To me, the incident and the system's response said to me, a black, young American male, that I had no full citizenship rights in this country; not as long as Mr. King was denied his. That's where incidents like this relate and where my emotions run deep. I think this is what really brings me to tears; the realization that this violence and other incidents of racial and ethnic bigotry may well have been directed toward me. My tears are less out of sadness, than they are out of anger.

I want, very much, to never again have need to question my place in this country, but I know now, at age 54, that my acceptance here will always be an open question for some, based entirely on their own perception of my blackness. It may well be pathetic of me, but I am diminished by it all - much less, when I'm home among family or friends, but most definitely in public where my anguish is almost certainly going to be misunderstood by, or cause the offense of, folks who have need to believe their own beneficence makes the antipathy of others toward my skin color moot.

A young lady, who happens to be a popular entertainer expressed my feelings today very well in just one tweet:

solange knowles ‏@solangeknowles 6h6 hours ago
Was already weary. Was already heavy hearted. Was already tired.
Where can we be safe? Where can we be free? Where can we be black?

Here at home today...weary and heavy-hearted, and black.