If you decide I am your enemy....

[Igel]

12. Ill will and mistrust breed ill will and mistrust.

For some it's a survival skill. Sometimes it's a big fight to distract from non-achievement (this is more a classroom/work team skill). Sometimes it's a culture that hasn't changed as circumstances have changed--a new team member from a combative (work) environment shows up and has trouble accepting that he doesn't need to be combative.


Confirmation bias will out. If you suspect somebody's trying to get you, you'll be on the lookout for any hint, any suspicion, that he's out to get you. You'll find all the evidence you need. Even if he has no such intention. The occasional slight, word misspoken, acts that can be misconstrued and non-acts that can be misconstrued, choice of friends.


We also tend to be blind concerning our own behavior. Once had a coworker tell us that everybody hated her, when she'd done nothing wrong--in fact, she'd done most of the work. She was completely oblivious to what she'd done that was nasty over the years, but hypervigilant when it came to slights against her. (As for "I did most of the work," usually people overstate their contribution--studies regularly show that something like 140% of the effort and output is accounted for if you look at how much effort each person or group says they contributed. She was an outlier.)




So that combative new team member at work probably doesn't even realize that (a) he's combative without cause and (b) alienating everybody around him, instead he just sees (c) people fighting with him and (d) confirmation that everybody hates him. Sometimes "reaching out" works; sometimes it's a lost cause.

Sadly, all too often that person views himself or herself as a hero: "You hate me because I'm a strong __________________." (To which the proper, yet all-too-unspoken reply is, "No, we just want you gone because you're an arrogant asshole and disruptive.&quot Also sadly, often the administration or office accommodates and treats the person with kid gloves--can't get rid of them, so humor them and reward the bad guy.