this isn't easy. It's very complex. Each person is unique, with unique perspectives, experiences and personality type.
That's why I definitely want to find flexible ways to encourage meaningful listening and meaningful dialogue. And unless I know someone fairly well, I will continue to be very careful about calling them a racist or bigot or whatever, but instead try to point out how something they may have said or done -- a one-off perhaps -- could be perceived as such.
We rarely know what is in the mind and heart of another and, as you said, people are often not honest with themselves about that, let alone others. When these horrific murders of young black people became mainstream news, beginning with Trayvon, I didn't focus on Zimmerman's or Darren Wilson's intentions in the moment they killed those young men; that's so hard to prove, though we can certainly make assumptions. Instead, my dialogues were focused on others' reactions to those events; you know, the whole "thug" narrative if the victim is of color versus "troubled" if white.
Words really do so often get in the way from the very start, preventing such dialogue.
But, again, I agree with you very much. 
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