Breathe Fire! (A post about Anna Duggar)

[laundry_queen]

8. Unfortunately, it's not just religion

that teaches those things to young girls.

My parents were anti-religion and tried to teach me to get a career before I got married, take my time having kids. etc. They wanted me to be independent. But at the SAME TIME they showed they thought that a woman's looks were more important than anything. If they would hear about some guy cheating on his wife, it had to be because she had gotten fat. If ONLY she hadn't 'let herself go' her husband wouldn't have strayed. I was told that weight and looks were a woman's #1 duty. I disagreed with them. And they only paid lip service to independence - they never lifted a financial finger to help me get through school, even though they were WELL able to.

I married the first guy that came along that had no issues with weight or looks (turns out my parents thought he was an asshole, but never said a word to me, and never got involved at all, I wish they would have). I ended up in the same position Anna Duggar is in right now - 4 kids, no education or meaningful work experience. I thought I would want to RUN if that ever happened, but found myself begging him to stay (not proud of that now). In my case, HE wanted out. So he left, and I tried to put my life back together. It was way harder than I ever thought it would be. My kids have suffered. (probably more than if my ex and I had stayed together) Yes, I went back to school and got my degree. I now have a job. But I make low wages. Financially, I struggle. My older kids are basically raising my younger ones (although I suppose it's not that different in fundy-land).

But, in many ways, things are so much better. I feel better about myself. I don't have someone treating me like dirt, putting me down. I can make my own decisions. My 4 kids - all girls BTW - see me work my butt off. My oldest is starting post secondary this year and she is ambitious - in large part because she doesn't want to be in my position ever. I talk openly with my girls about feminist issues, about religion, about power imbalances in society...I teach them it's more important who they are. My kids know they are capable of more, because they know I believe in them and they saw that I did it too.

My parents STILL think the reason my ex cheated and left was because I gained weight after 4 babies (even though the person he cheated with was not particularly pretty and was definitely not thin). In their opinion, I didn't put in enough effort to look good for my man (they have no idea that we had a really healthy sex life our entire marriage, and weight was never an issue). They are disgusted I haven't lost weight and found another man yet. The fact that I got a degree and found a job in my field is meaningless to them - and THAT is the underlying attitude we have to combat in society - not JUST in a religious framework, but a societal one as well.

I do wish Anna would leave - if only to find her own strength - but I will not blame her if she doesn't.