General Discussion

gollygee

(22,336 posts)

122. Ouch

Mon Oct 26, 2015, 08:14 PM

Oct 2015

There's this huge history of oppression around black women's hair. And more recent oppression around black women's fingernails. Those comments probably did not make her feel OK.

It sounds like you mean well but you just have no context to work with and you are as a result being hurtful. Just those two things and the "magic negro" comment would be enough to probably make her feel pretty horrible around you, and I assume you've had other interactions with her as well. You really would get so much out of cultural sensitivity training (as suggested in reply #1) or anti-racism training as I suggested. You should really see if it's offered around you. You can't do better if you don't understand the history and context, and you've got to learn that somewhere. You didn't grow up learning it, and it isn't something you learn by osmosis.

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I made a racially insensitive remark at work [View all] lapislzi Oct 2015 OP

Maybe find a cultural sensitivity training program. bravenak Oct 2015 #1

What did you say? Reter Oct 2015 #2

It was intended to be a jokey compliment lapislzi Oct 2015 #8

Wow! trumad Oct 2015 #16

Yes, it was pretty much the dumbest thing that ever came out of a mouth that often says dumb things. lapislzi Oct 2015 #39

I'm taking that you said something like "Nigga Please" Heddi Oct 2015 #58

That is not what I said. lapislzi Oct 2015 #66

"Gangsta?" "Pimp"? ProudToBeBlueInRhody Oct 2015 #74

This message was self-deleted by its author alcibiades_mystery Oct 2015 #76

"...for whom it is presumably OK..." alcibiades_mystery Oct 2015 #75

Whoa ProudToBeBlueInRhody Oct 2015 #77

If it sounds like I am trying to defend myself, I truly am not. lapislzi Oct 2015 #81

Did you call yourself the HNIC? theboss Oct 2015 #161

I don't know what that is. lapislzi Oct 2015 #162

Head <BLANK> in Charge theboss Oct 2015 #164

I wish someone would clue those of us in who are not so pop culture savvy. cwydro Oct 2015 #83

He called a coworker a "magic negro" Heddi Oct 2015 #95

Ok, thank you. I'd never have gotten that on my own lol. cwydro Oct 2015 #103

+1000.nt ecstatic Oct 2015 #135

I don't get what you said. cwydro Oct 2015 #82

Post 77 lapislzi Oct 2015 #87

I'm sorry for being so dense. cwydro Oct 2015 #88

I still don't get what was said either. LisaL Oct 2015 #93

He called a coworker a "magic negro" Heddi Oct 2015 #94

Unfamiliar with this term, but no. I wouldn't even think to use it. cwydro Oct 2015 #105

I've never heard it either. smirkymonkey Oct 2015 #125

It strikes me wrong anyway. cwydro Oct 2015 #129

It has its own Wikipedia page with history... PoliticAverse Oct 2015 #133

Wow, well, I guess I learned something today. cwydro Oct 2015 #136

Wait, you're flabbergasted at the use of "nigga" but "magic negro" Heddi Oct 2015 #96

No argument from me. lapislzi Oct 2015 #99

Did it have something to do with being rigged? Blue_In_AK Oct 2015 #148

Sounds like you are being Snow Leopard Oct 2015 #17

Who appointed you arbiter of what people should or shouldn't be offended by? marmar Oct 2015 #23

Nobody did, Snow Leopard Oct 2015 #29

Of course you're still allowed to have them kcr Oct 2015 #34

She didn't get fired. n/t gollygee Oct 2015 #37

It's easy to not get easily offended gollygee Oct 2015 #25

I would just continue to be nice to said person without going overboard. leftofcool Oct 2015 #3

Yes, going overboard can make things worse. randome Oct 2015 #11

Hard to answer the question without knowing what the hell you said. trumad Oct 2015 #4

It sounds like the punishment has already been meted out, so now it's up to you to do the work on Brickbat Oct 2015 #5

I don't see any self examination reflected. JayhawkSD Oct 2015 #6

Well said. n/t JTFrog Oct 2015 #9

I am aware. I mentioned that I grew up in a racist background lapislzi Oct 2015 #10

I will repeat. There is a lack of self examination JayhawkSD Oct 2015 #19

I do get what you're saying. lapislzi Oct 2015 #27

If you live in as racist a society as ours gollygee Oct 2015 #30

Intentions count. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Learn and move on. randome Oct 2015 #42

well in a 12 step program I use Dyedinthewoolliberal Oct 2015 #59

+1 (But get that resume up to date, in case she takes it to the State Labor Board) nt TheBlackAdder Oct 2015 #110

Well, I'm going by the question you posed in your OP. JayhawkSD Oct 2015 #154

Sounds like he has plenty of self-examination going on. randome Oct 2015 #13

Agreed. I did not grow up in a racist household (in fact, it was just the Nay Oct 2015 #32

Message auto-removed Name removed Oct 2015 #55

The best thing to do is lead by example. dmr Oct 2015 #7

You already apologized to the person. She wouldn't accept your apology. LisaL Oct 2015 #12

I believe you've done what you can. Xyzse Oct 2015 #14

You can't make someone forgive you. Act_of_Reparation Oct 2015 #15

What about championing an anti-harassment training program for your workplace? GliderGuider Oct 2015 #18

When ryan_cats Oct 2015 #20

"This is where the years of PC b.s. have landed us." marmar Oct 2015 #24

Five ryan_cats Oct 2015 #36

You might have made a wrong turn somewhere. n/t gollygee Oct 2015 #38

Yeah! My thumbs were cut off because I used the wrong salad fork. Orrex Oct 2015 #43

Holy smokes...what you just said is a little whacko randys1 Oct 2015 #101

This message was self-deleted by its author haele Oct 2015 #50

You could gollygee Oct 2015 #21

Thank you. This is a good idea. lapislzi Oct 2015 #33

And you willingly have entered the DU confession box. lonestarnot Oct 2015 #22

You mention that "other offensive speech" in your office "goes unchallenged". Nye Bevan Oct 2015 #26

Move on... TipTok Oct 2015 #28

I also want to improve the general tenor of the company... Kalidurga Oct 2015 #31

in this horrible dystopic world we live in all employment is a personal relationship librechik Oct 2015 #35

This is really good advice and I appreciate it. lapislzi Oct 2015 #41

good luck and remember librechik Oct 2015 #44

Put me down under "just leave the person alone from now on" Warren DeMontague Oct 2015 #40

I agree ProudToBeBlueInRhody Oct 2015 #73

From what the OP says a few posts up REP Oct 2015 #127

Ease up matt819 Oct 2015 #45

He already apologized to the offended person, verbablly and in writing. LisaL Oct 2015 #48

+1 to just leave it be. karadax Oct 2015 #46

You babylonsister Oct 2015 #47

What would be the point of mailing "this" to the co-worker? LisaL Oct 2015 #49

You live in a country that's incredibly sensitive about race. Don't hate yourself for tripping. frizzled Oct 2015 #51

This is a reasonable response cabyio Oct 2015 #61

Are you a racist? If not, I wouldn't worry about it too much. nt LexVegas Oct 2015 #52

Resign. linuxman Oct 2015 #53

"That bad" is an extremely elastic concept. lapislzi Oct 2015 #65

Stop beating yourself up. You apologized. Now move on. LisaL Oct 2015 #68

you sound genuinely contrite renate Oct 2015 #54

At least you recognize that what you said was racially insensitive and are bothered by it YoungDemCA Oct 2015 #56

You officially are one of those people... luvspeas Oct 2015 #57

best post here! "consider what the person you offended must have to put up with day in and day out.. bettyellen Oct 2015 #60

Sure doesn't sound like offended person would put up with anything. LisaL Oct 2015 #69

The OP said racist remarks were not uncommon - do you have reason to doubt that? Or reason to rhjnk bettyellen Oct 2015 #89

Well, first, OP didn't say racist remarks were not uncommon. LisaL Oct 2015 #91

The student does not know what the student does not know. lapislzi Oct 2015 #97

Since you put it out there... luvspeas Oct 2015 #106

I really think you should stop commenting about this woman's appearance/ hair style. LisaL Oct 2015 #108

"that nail polish looks great on your skin" Heddi Oct 2015 #111

yesyesyes n/t luvspeas Oct 2015 #112

I don't know what you mean lapislzi Oct 2015 #121

Yes. I do think that calling a black woman a negro, even if meant in a nice way Heddi Oct 2015 #124

I fucked up badly. lapislzi Oct 2015 #137

+1000.nt ecstatic Oct 2015 #142

Ouch gollygee Oct 2015 #122

You are right. lapislzi Oct 2015 #130

"But I am not a member of an oppressed class who has suffered a lifetime of harassment..." alcibiades_mystery Oct 2015 #152

I don't understand your comment. lapislzi Oct 2015 #157

Your behavior is manipulative and self-justifying alcibiades_mystery Oct 2015 #159

I think you are mistaken on several points. lapislzi Oct 2015 #160

Put up with anything? I bet the offended person would put up with men talking about randys1 Oct 2015 #104

Did I ever say she should? LisaL Oct 2015 #107

Your comments seem to say to me that you are a little annoyed at her asking randys1 Oct 2015 #109

Wow gollygee Oct 2015 #64

I do not disagree with anything you have said. lapislzi Oct 2015 #71

No amends cabyio Oct 2015 #79

What was it that you said? Tipperary Oct 2015 #62

See post 66 lapislzi Oct 2015 #67

You Sound Like RobinA Oct 2015 #63

You apologized sincerely. Let it go. roody Oct 2015 #70

Agreed Liberal_in_LA Oct 2015 #85

Nothing, honestly (and purely imo). Just avoid that person. Oneironaut Oct 2015 #72

With nothing but hint hint and wink wink as far as what you said what the hell are any of us Juicy_Bellows Oct 2015 #78

There is nothing you can do. Alenne Oct 2015 #80

I guessed as much. lapislzi Oct 2015 #84

I would look for a new job LittleBlue Oct 2015 #86

You are lucky you didn't get fired. Kang Colby Oct 2015 #90

This message was self-deleted by its author LisaL Oct 2015 #92

Also, you know, people make mistakes. Warren DeMontague Oct 2015 #98

Forgive yourself TuxedoKat Oct 2015 #100

I doubt you'll ever make it up to that person. Erich Bloodaxe BSN Oct 2015 #102

Find a new job Renew Deal Oct 2015 #113

So here's why she wanted you to be fired Heddi Oct 2015 #114

The whole shitshow needs to be shut down... luvspeas Oct 2015 #116

If you think that me losing my livelihood is a punishment that fits the crime lapislzi Oct 2015 #123

YES YOU CALLED A WOMAN A NEGRO FOR FUCK'S SAKE Heddi Oct 2015 #126

Yes. I see. lapislzi Oct 2015 #134

When I was a kid, that was the courteous and proper word for a person of color. nt roody Oct 2015 #165

Well times have changed. philosslayer Oct 2015 #168

And what about your fucking COWORKER Heddi Oct 2015 #128

Hey Heddi, I agree with most of what you're saying. cwydro Oct 2015 #140

Thanks for saying this - I agree and couldn't have said it better. n/t phylny Oct 2015 #170

Where are you getting this? lapislzi Oct 2015 #143

This is why a thread like this is a bad idea melman Oct 2015 #147

Heddi, why not direct your righteous anger toward at least one poster here pnwmom Oct 2015 #150

Damn this is a great post. npk Oct 2015 #153

Just to be clear, "magic negro" was the term? trof Oct 2015 #115

I am postulating and the term she used rhymes with bigga...n/t luvspeas Oct 2015 #117

I specifically asked if she used "nigga" and she said no, that was beyond the pale!!! Heddi Oct 2015 #118

Whoah! that's actually worse than what I thought! luvspeas Oct 2015 #120

Ah.. Many thanks for the clarification. trof Oct 2015 #119

I was in the Dr office the other day notadmblnd Oct 2015 #131

was there bad blood between you and that other person before this? Skittles Oct 2015 #132

It sucks that your co-worker has to put up with you and ecstatic Oct 2015 #138

I'm sorry if it came across that way. lapislzi Oct 2015 #145

It didn't come across that way to me. phylny Oct 2015 #171

We've all had bad jokes fall flat and we've all wished Warpy Oct 2015 #139

I agree. leftyladyfrommo Oct 2015 #144

Hopefully, people will look at patterns. Laffy Kat Oct 2015 #141

If you truly want to change start by not making it about you LostOne4Ever Oct 2015 #146

Nicely put. JayhawkSD Oct 2015 #155

You apologized. Nothing else you can or should do. egduj Oct 2015 #149

You apologized. Immediately. In more than one way. cherokeeprogressive Oct 2015 #151

AGREED Skittles Oct 2015 #156

As some as said you've apologized romanic Oct 2015 #158

Final post on the subject. lapislzi Oct 2015 #163

So why did you even post your confession... luvspeas Oct 2015 #166

Resign philosslayer Oct 2015 #167

She offered to resign. cwydro Oct 2015 #169