My heart is broken

[mackdaddy]

172. I lost my soulmate of 31 years 13 months ago.

I came across this same description of grief coming in crashing waves, and it has held the most truth for me.

This is without doubt been the worst year of my life. I had no idea it was possible to feel this much emotional pain. You feel for others, but until you go through it yourself you cannot really "get" it. And every ones journey is different and individual to you.

My friend died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep. Probably a silent heart attack. Fortunately for her she did not suffer.

The first week or so was a numbed blur. Funeral arrangements and notifications and the funeral. After the first 50 "I am sorry for your loss" comments it looses something internally, although people mean well. Then comes deconstructing their life's accumulation of possessions. It all feels surreal and like it is not real. Just a bad dream to wake up from.
But I remember dreaming that she was alive and waking up and realizing the nightmare was being awake to a life without her in it any more.

My lowest point came about 3 months after her death. All of the "business" details were done, and just the daily drudgery of a life with a big missing piece. The emotional equivalent of having one of your arms ripped out of its socket. I watched an animated movie call Inside Out about emotions and loss and just about lost it myself.

I found a grief support group and class at the local Hospice house. It actually took a bit of searching to find, and I had not thought of the Hospice since it was a sudden death. They ran a 6 week Growing through Grief class that was a tremendous help. This was about 6 months in, and one of the biggest helps was just the “permission” that it was OK to still be hurting so much. This it was going to take Years to come to some equilibrium, not months. This is not a short term emotional hit.

Even 9 or 10 months out there were days that I felt like I was moving through molasses. Things that should only take a few minutes could take hours, and be put off for days because I could not face them. I am self employed, but I can see how you could get fired for being so ineffective. And be careful of making any major decisions during this first year. You will not even be able to recognize how impaired you decision making skills are until you look back at you life from several months out.

I had several friends and family members I could talk to. Everyone says differently, but they will all get tired of hearing it before you get through needing to talk about what you are going through with this loss. Having several people to talk to helps spread it out so you burn out less people

In my case I started coming out of the molasses at 10 months, and now at 13 months I can do most day to day things almost as normal, except for the occasional crashing wave. (The 1 year anniversary of her death and funeral was pretty brutal.)
Sorry this is so long. I think that has become more for me than you, but I hope this story of my journey my help you some on yours.

It has truly been awful. But it is getting better.
"I am sorry for your Loss." and I feel some of what that truly means.