So, Romney Viciously Bullied His Sons, Too

[tblue37]

90. Much of what is now recognized as child abuse used to be considered normal

discipline, but violence of the sort you describe is nevertheless inappropriate. If either adult had offered such violence to another adult, he or she would have been arrested for assault and battery.

On the other hand, an occasional quick swat or two on the bottom of a child is not child abuse, though many people would consider it to be abusive. And, of course, you would get in legal trouble for swatting an adult's bottom like that, so my earlier comparison is not ironclad, either.

But most children do not need to be hit at all, ever, for any reason. I had a home daycare for 18 years, and of the 37 children I raised, I never once raised my hand to 35 of them. Ever. (I never yelled at any of them for any reason. It never was necessary.)

On the other hand, on little boy (a very large for his age 7-year-old) went wild when I tried to sit him on the couch for a time-out one day. He started swinging his fists and kicking, and he connected on of those kicks very painfully with my shin. I flipped him over my lap and gave him 2 sharp swats on the butt—to get his attention more than anything else, really—and then he calmed down and took his time out. I believe his previously administered asthma medicine (we used a vaporizer, so he got the full dosage) had made him just a bit "high" and thus not fully in control of himself. The butt-swats captured his attention sufficiently for him to regain his self-control.

The only other child I have ever swatted was my own son. As a much loved first-born child, he was often jealous of the attention I paid to his younger sister and to the daycare kids, and occasionally, between the ages of 6 and 7, he would behave in a threatening way to a smaller child. He never actually assaulted another child, but he would sometimes threaten one, acting as though he would really hit him or her. On the rare occasions when he did that, I would give him two or three quick swats on the bottom, and then I would patiently explain, "When you live by the law of civilization, you do not attack or threaten to attack others, especially when they are smaller than you. But when you live by the law of the jungle, the big, mean creatures are always attacking the small, weak creatures. Just keep in mind that there will always be someone bigger and meaner than you, so it is way better to live by the law of civilization, not by the law of the jungle."

By the time he was 7 years old, he had reached a full understanding of what I was talking about, and he never threatened another child--and I never swatted him again, since his spankings were only for threatening violence to a smaller, weaker child.

One thing about his threats that I consider common to those who behave in a bullying way: they were always directed at someone smaller and weaker. For example, in cases of domestic abuse like that between Chris Brown and Rhianna (is that her name--I might have spelled it wrong), some people will claim that the man could not control his temper because the woman provoked him outrageously. But have you ever noticed that when such men are outrageously provoked by someone bigger and stronger, they never have any trouble at all controlling their temper? Such men only lose control when their victim is too small or weak to present any real reciprocal threat.

By the time he was 7 years old my son learned not to bully others. He is almost 33 now, and a truly fine young man. I have no a temper at all (it's weird, but I don't get angry), so when I swatted the 2 kids that I did swat, I did so in a very controlled and careful way, and only for very specific reasons.

Unfortunately, though, too many adults resort to physical discipline under the influence of their own temper, and therefore they are not really disciplining a child, but merely beating up on him or her as a way of acting out their own rage. A child's little body is a fragile thing. It should never be slammed to the floor in the way you described--no matter how naughty or annoying the child was being!

As it happens, though, much of what we consider outrageous physical abuse of children and animals (and, for that matter, of wives) used to be standard, acceptable behavior. Most schools no longer allow teachers to paddle children, and most parents know at least that they mustn't abuse their kids in public if they don't want to get into trouble. Fortunately, many parents have learned not to abuse at all. Unfortunately, all too many still abuse, but do so only when they figure they won't get caught.