intell struggles to condense Cheeto's daily briefing to ONE WORD [View all]

[jodymarie aimee]

THE ONION:

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that a team of staffers had been tasked with stripping each briefing of the overly technical or complex details that President Trump disliked, such as arcane insider terminology, multiple bullet points, and any compound or hyphenated words. “The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven letters or so. We recently gave him a briefing that consisted only of the term ‘nuclear proliferation,’ but he clearly became distracted by the end of the first word, so we shortened it to simply read ‘bomb,’ and he seemed to respond well to that.” At press time, McFarland confirmed President Trump had asked officials to continue formatting his daily intelligence memos in the model of his most recent briefing, which consisted entirely of a brightly colored clip-art fighter jet.