Ivankas Notes for the Babysitter [View all]

[demmiblue]

Source: The New Yorker

Hi Sarah,

First of all, Jared and I can’t tell you how grateful we are that you were available to babysit for us tonight on such short notice. When Alexandra called in sick and recommended you, we knew you’d be super. Jared is very honored to be receiving this year’s Friend of Friends of the Enemies of Israel’s Enemies Award, and would have been devastated if I couldn’t attend the banquet with him.

...

Donald is seventy. His normal bedtime is two or three in the morning, but don’t worry, we’ll definitely be back by then. He can watch Fox News as much as he wants. If he starts yelling at it (smh), just ignore him. The kids are used to it and their rooms are soundproofed.

But here’s the most important thing: There is to be NO TWEETING AFTER 9 P.M. When you tell him that, he’ll yell stuff like “People have said that I’m a tremendous tweeter!”; “It’s only eight—all the clocks are fake!”; and “I’m not tweeting, I’m sending a text message to 26.4 million people!” Don’t bother arguing. Just make him hand over his phone. If he whines that “you’re being very unfair,” remind him that if I find out he’s been bad he’ll be sorry.

Sometimes, while he watches Fox News, he has “really brilliant ideas,” and he thinks he can just command you to execute them. Three weeks ago, he told Alexandra—in a single night—to “order a team of skywriters to write ‘ISLAM SUCKS’ above Kabul”; to “use eminent domain to have the government take over Hollywood”; to “have the Pentagon require all U.S. servicemen to wear Trump ties and Trump combat boots”; and to “get Eric started on a Trump combat-boot line.” Alex promised she’d look into it in the morning. Of course, by then he’d totally forgotten about everything

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/ivankas-notes-for-the-babysitter