X-Post Bicycling "Bikes May Have To Talk To Self-Driving Cars For Safety's Sake"

[Oubaas]

32. What About Wildlife?

If you're sleeping off a big trough of dough and fried offal from your favorite fast food dispensary in the vibrating recliner built into your self-driving lazy-mobile and a non-chipped moose walks out in front of it while it's doing 75 miles per hour down the highway, you're likely to find the experience quite unpleasant. It would be like hitting a large plow horse with antlers.

So the wildlife is probably going to have to go.

We could create new jobs by hiring people to pursue and chip all the grizzly bears, moose, deer, and anything else large enough to endanger passengers in self-driving cars in the event of a collision. But that would be cost prohibitive, and most likely very difficult, as well as unpleasant for those assigned to chip the grizzly bears.

In these times of dire budgetary distress, it would be more feasible to have the Bureau of Land Management seize all non-agricultural or undeveloped land, then set the state National Guards loose to machine gun all wildlife from helicopters.

After that, BLM could lease all those new federal lands to energy companies for fracking, creating jobs, and providing new sources of energy for our nation.

One note, though. Amorous hikers will want to use caution during the wildlife extermination operations. Presenting the wrong heat profile to the FLIR operator on a helicopter could be hazardous. You might want to stay home for that sort of thing until all the wildlife has been killed.

Yes, driverless cars! This is an idea whose time has come. Why should you be inconvenienced by having to actually drive the car when we could solve it and reap all these benefits by simply exterminating wildlife?