Help Wanted: Trained Handler [View all]
Help wanted: trained handler for one rare Orange Russian Shit Gibbon.
Job Description:
One lucky applicant will be selected to keep Dotard, our Orange Russian Shit Gibbon, under control. He is getting older now and is suffering from dementia. The person selected to be his handler will need to keep his feces throwing and rampant tweeting in check. He is a silly boy and likes to stick his feet in his mouth, so you will need to be on the lookout for tell tale signs he might be getting ready to do just that. You will need to placate him with his favorite toys (Fifi his plush stuffed cat and Binky the file of all his positive reviews) while keeping him far removed from the myriad dangers found in his enclosure (red phone, stapler, pointy stick with flag attached). You must have a strong stomach to be able to deal with cleaning up after one of his feces throwing tantrums. You must be strong willed to correct his behavior and get him to go to bed on time. This is a 24/7 job. You will be on call at all hours of the day and night. Compensation will not be nearly adequate. You must really, really want to do this job for the sake of your country.
Interested applicants should email a resume and cover letter to:
Rex Tillerson
oilyboy@usa.gov
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