Pat Robertson is recovering after suffering a stroke

[JohnQFunk]

20. So Pat Robertson wakes up one morning to find himself dead and at the

… Pearly Gates.

Naturally, Saint Peter is standing outside, clipboard in hand.

Robertson walks toward Saint Peter, saying "Saint Peter! Saint Peter! It's me, Pat Robertson!"

Saint Peter looks down at his clipboard, then looks back at Pat. "I see you succeeded in making a killing in the investment market while simultaneously scaring old people with your crackpot television show, making the poor poorer, and making your rich friends richer. Have a nice day!"

St. Peter pulls a lever next to the podium, and Pat finds himself falling for what seems like an hour, only to land on his butt in a pool of flame with a large, red creature towering over him.

"Marion Gordon 'Pat' Robertson, I have been waiting a long time to meet you in person!" exclaims Satan, grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. Before Pat can utter a word, The Prince of Darkness has shackled him to an emaciated, hideous crone that Pat recognizes as Phyllis Schlafly, and exclaims, "You are condemned to wander the burning, sulfurous, Stygian depths of Hades for eternity with this horrific woman chained to you! Now go!!"

And so Pat and Phyllis wander the burning, sulfurous flamescape for several days, agonized by the flames, horrified by their fate…

…until, one day, Pat and Phyllis run into their old buddy Jerry Falwell — who is chained to the still amazingly gorgeous Anna Nicole Smith!

Pat and Jerry exchange pleasantries, chat about the good old days, lament their eternal condemnation, and then go their separate ways.

But Pat, who had done everything in his power to conceal his rage over Jerry's eternal companion, is livid.

As soon as he is out of Jerry and Anna Nicole's eyeshot, he begins to walk at a frantic pace toward where he met Mephistopheles, dragging a miserable Phyllis Schlafly behind him.

The moment he sees The Devil, Pat begins ranting angrily. "What in the wide, wide world of Hell is going on here? Yes, I'll admit I was a completely underhanded scoundrel, but Falwell gets to spend eternity with a major babe even though he was a far more evil opportunist, an unreconstructed bigot, a thief, and a criminal scumbag…"

"SILENCE!!" shouts Satan. "The manner in which I have decided to eternally punish Anna Nicole is none of your concern!"