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Haggis for Breakfast

(6,831 posts)

31. I have a couple . . .

Mon Nov 4, 2019, 12:15 AM

Nov 2019

Q - How many lawyers does it take to stop a speeding train ?
A - Never enough.

Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 30 ?
A - A lawyer.
Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 80 ?
A - Your honor.

Q - What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common ?
A - You always hear about them, but you never see one.

Q - What's the definition of mixed emotions ?
A - Watching your lawyer drive off a cliff in your Jaguar.

Q - How do you keep an attorney from drowning ?
A - Shoot him before he hits the water.

We have a paralegal in the family. She has hundreds of these.

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Do you have a favorite "lawyer" joke? [View all] red dog 1 Oct 2019 OP

Took me a minute. cilla4progress Oct 2019 #1

I don't get it. Feeling dumb! Beakybird Oct 2019 #3

Fux cilla4progress Oct 2019 #6

My bro told me this one, just a tad off color. Beakybird Oct 2019 #2

What do you have with a lawyer buried to his neck in sand? Lochloosa Oct 2019 #4

old classic Skittles Oct 2019 #5

No actually AdamThePhantump Nov 2019 #28

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? IggleDuer Oct 2019 #7

Do you know what happens when you give a lawyer Viagra? customerserviceguy Oct 2019 #8

ha! Fresh out of lawyer jokes, but an accountant told me this one: spooky3 Oct 2019 #9

A lawyer, a priest and a rabbi are stranded on an island within swimming fierywoman Oct 2019 #10

Like that one! Bayard Oct 2019 #11

I once told this joke to one of O J Simpson's second round of lawyers fierywoman Nov 2019 #14

A Rabbi, Hindu Priest, and a lawyer are stranded outside a farm DBoon Oct 2019 #12

Good one! nt LNM Nov 2019 #34

Good news/Bad news! lastlib Nov 2019 #13

A guy in a bar shouts "All lawyers are assholes!" Zambero Nov 2019 #15

Good one! MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #18

An old one DFW Nov 2019 #16

Variation on a theme. Collimator Nov 2019 #20

Good variation. DFW Nov 2019 #22

Rudy Giuliani edbermac Nov 2019 #17

That's downright spooky! MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #19

A woman was walking through a cemetery Doc_Technical Nov 2019 #21

California has the most DiverDave Nov 2019 #23

Q - "How does a lawyer sleep?" red dog 1 Nov 2019 #24

here's mine Marthe48 Nov 2019 #25

Washington State University recently began using lawyers instead of rats in their lab brewens Nov 2019 #26

Weren't the Marx Bros lawyers LakeArenal Nov 2019 #27

That was the law firm of Click-and-Clack the Tappet brothers Submariner Dec 2019 #68

Nah. We are both wrong. LakeArenal Dec 2019 #69

not quite a joke, but the simpsons katusha Nov 2019 #29

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road & a dead lawyer in the road? Liberty Belle Nov 2019 #30

I have a couple . . . Haggis for Breakfast Nov 2019 #31

I was told this one..... yuiyoshida Nov 2019 #32

Suppose you're trapped in a room Shrek Nov 2019 #33

Two lawyers walk into a bar..... MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #35

What's the difference between a lawyer and a steaming pile of horseshit? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #36

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #37

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #38

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #39

Q. What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW filled with lawyers? GumboYaYa Nov 2019 #40

What do you call a lawyer who represents himself as a client? JonLP24 Nov 2019 #41

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #42

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #43

Why do lawyers wear neckties?? SKKY Nov 2019 #44

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #45

What do dinosaurs and lawyers have in common? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #46

What's the difference between a lawyer and a cowpie? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #47

Yeah wait another year and I'll be one. 47of74 Nov 2019 #48

Lol, that is funny. JudyM Dec 2019 #83

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #49

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #50

The difference between wing tips and cowboy boots? The Wizard Nov 2019 #51

Two lawyers Turbineguy Nov 2019 #52

How many lawyer jokes are in existence? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #53

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #54

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pittbull? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #55

What did the lawyer name his daughter? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #56

Q)..How can you tell if it's REALLY cold outside? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #57

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #58

How can you tell a lawyer is lying? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #59

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 2019 #60

What does a lawyer do with their superpower Beringia Nov 2019 #61

A lawyer went into the Emergency Room with his face covered with blood, red dog 1 Nov 2019 #62

Where can you find a good lawyer? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #63

What do you call 25,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? NightWatcher Nov 2019 #64

What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards? red dog 1 Nov 2019 #65

Q)..What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #66

A man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender, red dog 1 Dec 2019 #67

Know how copper wire was invented? MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #70

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #71

What's the difference between a lawyer & a gigolo? MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #72

Why did God invent lawyers? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #73

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #74

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #75

My favorite lawyer joke? calguy Dec 2019 #76

Whats the difference between a dead skunk Zoonart Dec 2019 #77

Here's one I posted the other day PJMcK Dec 2019 #78

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses, thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge. MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #79

This message was self-deleted by its author red dog 1 Dec 2019 #80

Q) - How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #81

What's the difference between a lawyer and an accountant? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #82

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a librarian? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #84

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #85

What is a criminal lawyer? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #86

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? red dog 1 Dec 2019 #87

Why does the Bar Association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? MatthewHatesTrump2 Dec 2019 #88