Am I a shit? Or what would you do? In the summer of 2023, my sister told us she had uterine cancer. We drove up to

[snot]

44. Forget the card; instead,

think about what you want from her? And what are your feelings about it all?

E.g., from her you might wish for love, appreciation for your efforts to help her, help from her when you're the one in need, etc.
Re- your feelings, you might feel disappointment and hurt about her treatment of you, anger, a sense of obligation and fear of guilt if you neglect her, a fear of becoming disconnected from your family of origin – however awful they might be – etc..

Be curious and non-judgmental about what's going on inside you, disregarding for the moment what's "right" or "realistic" and giving yourself plenty of time and space to understand what you really want and feel. I find meditation quite helpful in attempting this kind of work. You may find that you want and feel a multitude of things, many of them conflicting; you may feel proud of some and ashamed of others. Whatever course of action you may ultimately choose, at the minimum, you're entitled to your feelings and to be able to connect with them in a non-judgmental way.

Your sister is entitled to her wants; you’re entitled to yours; you don’t have to make hers ‘wrong” in order to make yours “right”; but that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to make all her wishes come true.

Once you've excavated how you really feel and what you want, be it realistic or not, yes, think then about things realistically. Your time and energy are valuable and might well be better invested in other relationships in which the other person is more able to grow through your efforts rather than merely exploit them and/or more able to reciprocate. Your sister sounds like a damaged person. There are no doubt reasons why she turned out the way she did – you may not even be aware of all of them – and I personally would never withhold empathy for her re- what she may have suffered. At the same time, to what extent are your efforts now actually helping her, or do they, e.g., simply enable or even reward her bad behavior? And how reachable is she – is she capable of listening to other people’s perspectives?

When you're ready, write a draft letter setting out what you want from your sister and any limits you intend to place on your help to or interactions with her. You might express empathy toward her if appropriate and/or how you felt in response to her behavior; but try to avoid suggesting anyone's right or wrong – judgment is rarely helpful; the main gist should be to state simply and clearly what you want. (You may want to go through several drafts.)

If she is reachable and you think a more mutual relationship might be possible, your honest, non-judgmental info about what you do and don't want from her might be helpful to bot of you. If she's not reachable, well, at least you tried.

Another, sort of similar approach: I had a family member I'd struggled with & over for several decades. They were abusive and so broken/crazy that they were not infrequently completely out of touch with reality; but they weren't "all evil," either, and I knew I'd suffer guilt feelings if I didn't treat them with at least minimal consideration. Once I understood my part in subjecting myself to the abuse and that it was almost certainly impossible to get through to this person in any way that would allow a more mutual relationship, I wrote them a letter thanking them for everything good about them that I could think of – AND I also reduced my contact with them to the absolute minimum possible within the limits of my sense of family obligation and also tried harder to simply say "no" to unreasonable demands.

Another friend with an alcoholic parent wrote them a letter simply flatly telling them that she was uncomfortable with the parent drinking around her child and that the parent would no longer be allowed to be with the child while drunk or drinking. I was slightly flabbergasted; but it worked – the parent never again drank around the child.

These spproaches have helped me move on.

Good luck!