As a child or an adult what are/were you afraid of ? I am afraid of clowns. Always was. I was always afraid of the

[Moostache]

53. I am afraid of my own medical destiny...

I have watched my paternal grandmother and my father descend into healthy dementia - no debilitating injury or illness outside of a total loss of memory and independent functioning.

It hit me like a freight train last week when I went to visit my ailing father and he 100% could not recognize me for a solid 10 minutes. I sat with him and watchced as his expression was confusion, agitation and fear because I was there and had interrupted his routine, his coping mechanism and thus everything was irritanting and angering for him. My soul died a little more in those 10 minutes. I watched in horror and could not stop thinking in my own head - THIS, this horror or existing without teether, without access to memories, without ability to move about freely or even with intention - THIS is my future ending, IF I survive that long.

I am constantly doing the math in my head now. At age X, what was my dad able to do? my grandmother? When did they start to slide and fade? How much do / did they know while it was happening? I find myself in near panic attacks more recently when I forget a name or a fact - not that the memory is gone, but my ability to recall it has been lost temporarily. I can feel these events, but I don't know if its because I am living through it again with dad now or if it is premonition or just plain old fear.

I once feared outliving my money and ability to do take care of myself financially. I now fear (at least 1,000X more intensely) simply outliving my mind. I define my life by my ability to make rationale decisions and choices for myself. I hate myself for inventing reasons to skip a visit to my dad because the crushing reality of his condition makes me feel bad and scared and I can't find the strength in myself to overlook it or compartmentalize it and focus on spending time with him while I can. I feel cheated, robbed of those past lost chances when his mind and body allowed for real conversations and it tears me apart.

I fear dementia. And it is terrifying in a way that no other horror or fear has ever been for me.