Match Game Story: Rabrrrrrr moved Match Game to Sunday, and Dr. Strange got his _____ in a knot.

[Dr. Strange]

17. Let's do this thing!

Rabrrrrrr moved Match Game to Sunday, and Dr. Strange got his posse together to hunt down the villainous Baron Dr. Rabrrrrrr Harkonnen. His cohorts, Private Duncan Idaho, Gurney Cadillac, and his quarterback/Mentat Three Four Hut-hut, were determined to put an end to the Baron Doctor’s cruel reign.

"I’ll grant you, Gurney-man, that the Baron’s Match Game is fun and provides much relief to life in this Imperium, but his temper is over-the-top! Twenty times have I alerted on him, and every single time it comes back 6-0 or 5-1 to Leave It Alone. Mark my words, men, after I dispose of the evil Baron, I will call for a Jihad against Juror # 5."

"I hate that Juror # 5!" spat Private Idaho.

Excellent, thought the incredibly sexy Dr. Strange. I will focus that anger against the Baron and freeze his ass with the intensity of my cold, negative 300 degrees Kelvin demeanor. Even though that temperature is not physically possible, it matters not to me, for I deal in the metaphysical, where none dare to look.

You haven’t gotten physical in Meta for quite some time, the Reverend Mother Gaius Baltar Helena Bonham Carter Mohiam interjected.

Stop reading my thoughts witch!

"Did I ever tell you all," the still incredibly sexy Dr. Strange said, "about the time Rabrrrrrr blew his top at a DUer because of how they stored their two liter pop?"

"You have not told us this story, my liege," said Hut-hut, "but even though I never experienced it, I will believe you, because you are honest, and everyone knows that the Baron is a mean one. I saw him put seventy people on Ignore once, just because they wouldn’t put all six Rs at the end of his name whilst addressing him."

"I had not heard that story," said Gurney, "but I believe it, because you are an honest Mentat, and because the Baron Dr. Rabbit-turd Hark-oh-no is a big meanie-head."

"Ha, good one Gurney!" laughed Duncan.

The Reverend Mother rolled her eyes.

"No, it was not that good," said Dr. Strange, "but that’s okay. We will work on our insults. Here, take more spice. It expands consciousness, opens the senses, frees the insult-making part of the brain."

Everyone chowed on some spice.

"Encompass my doom, eh Baron? More like encompass a CHOAM carry-all, with enough spare room for a las-gun and your remote control!"

Mmm, better, Mohaim projected.

Dr. Strange flashed her a bitter scowl.




The Guild delivered Dr. Strange and his band to Arrakis, because they knew that the shit was about to go down.

"Where is the floating fat man?" screamed Dr. Strange.

From a side door, the evil Baron Rabr⁶ entered in his floating hot tub. "Well, if it isn’t the irritating, albeit rather sexy, Dr. Strange. Have you come to finally meet your doom?"

"More like come to meet my happiness—which will come from your doom!"

The Reverend Mother Mohaim rolled her eyes.

"That’s right, Baron; I’m gonna encompass your doom! Like an encompassing Kwisatz Haderach of Doom!" Dr. Strange glanced over at the Reverend Mother. She shook her head in disappointment.

This is what happens when I don’t make a script ahead of time. Crap. "Gom Jabbar, mother fucker!" he shouted at the Baron, using just the right amount of Voice to draw moisture from the loins of many of the onlookers. Dr. Strange started toward the floating Baron’s hot tub, his crysknife drawn.

Just then, several legions of Sardaukar entered the room.

"My liege!" Gurney Cadillac shouted. "We are surrounded by several Brazilian Sardaukar warriors!"

"Whoa, dude," exclaimed the Tlielaxu Cowboy MadTonyRomoinMaryland, "how many is a brazilian?"

"Well," said Dr. Strange, "I didn’t see that coming."

"Didn’t see that coming?!" exclaimed the Reverend Mother. "I thought you had prescience?"

"No, no, I said I had precalculus. I took that class back at Caladan High School."

"Take them to my skiff," the Baron ordered. "We will visit the Sarlaac pit!"




Two hours later, the doomed crew was hovering over the pit of the mighty Sarlaac.

"Do you have any last words, Dr. Strange?" the Baron asked over the intercom.

"Yeah. Why the hell are you ripping off Star Wars? Our franchise is way more awesome than that." Everyone knows that Star Wars is Dune for dumb people, the sexy doctor pondered. What is he up to? Is this some kind of trap? The doctor looked at the Sardaukar guard to his left. It was a member of the amphibious species Mon Calamari, who went by the name of Ackbar. He just smiled at Dr. Strange and nodded.

"Don’t tell me who I can and can’t rip off! I am the Baron Dr. Rabrrrrrr Harkonnen! I’m a wanted man. I have the death sentence on twelve systems. So you just watch yourself!"

Dr. Strange flipped the Baron the bird. The Baron just laughed, all maniacally and baronly.

"Throw them in the pit!" the Baron shouted.

Just then, from overhead came the sound of several ‘thopters.

"What’s going on?" the Baron asked his Mentat Pieter the Cheese.

"Well, let me see. It's a ‘thopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... Sietch …Tabr!! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Baron, they're sandworms!! Medium-sized sandworms. Oh, they're plunging to the sand right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked ‘thopter! Oh, the humanity! The sandworms are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Butlerian Jihad has there been anything like this!"

Just then, one of the sandworms crashed right on top of the Baron, killing him instantly.

From the back of the skiff, the Fremen leader Stilgar Kilgore came forward. "Oh dear. This didn’t go as planned."

Pieter looked at the deep blue within blue eyes of the Fremen. "This was your doing?"

"Yes." The Fremen sighed. "As Shai-hulud is my witness, I thought sandworms could fly!"

"You idiot! They’re fucking worms! Why in the world would you think that worms could fly?!"

"I figured they had the same power as Mentats, that they could fly. Like this." Stilgar pushed Pieter out of the skiff. The Mentat fell into the gaping maw of the Sarlaac. "Well shit, it looks like Mentats can’t fly either. What the hell was I thinking of? What are those things that fly?"

"You mean birds, sir?" Stilgar’s right hand man Joachim asked.

"That’s it! Birds! I remember now." Stilgar grabbed the intercom microphone. "Dr. Strange, it looks like the Baron is all dead and stuff. So you’re free to go."

Dr. Strange jumped over to the Baron’s skiff. He looked down at the large, dead mass. "Rabrrrrrr was my friend. Rabrrrrrr taught me that when you eat a donut, you pay for it. I wish I'd known Rabrrrrrr better." Dr. Strange then bawled like a baby.

Stilgar’s chin dropped. He gives water to the bloated. That’s deep. There must be a hidden meaning in this doctor’s ways. A plan to place humanity on a golden path, perhaps?

But Stilgar didn’t want to think about it any longer, as it always tied his Fremen brain in a knot.