I want to thank everyone for helping me survive the last year. [View all]

[Denninmi]

One year ago tomorrow, I "went crazy". Literally, or it least it seemed like it. A much better way to put it is that I had a mental health crisis, a mental break. And I sure did, it was a doozey of a crisis. A year ago tomorrow was the day I received death threats at work that caused something in me to snap, at a time when I was already pretty tense about life, pretty unhealthy physically, and stressed to the max. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back, the exact wrong thing to say to me at the wrong time in my life. To have someone tell me they were gunning for me, literally, just dredged up so many bad memories of a childhood with an abusive and violent father, who just loved guns. And so, I lost it.

And, as events played out, I was convinced my life was over, literally, and that it was just a matter of time before I died alone, homeless, discarded in the gutter of some Detroit slum. Because that was what I believed would happen to me, and it was the stereotype I had in my mind of people who had a "serious" mental health diagnosis. A part of me thought I was beyond help and beyond hope. Part of me listened to the messages I got as a child that told me I was worthless, even though the bigger part of me knew that was all so much crap. But, fear can take over, and it can be more powerful than reason.

At the time, I was told I was bipolar. I have since come to find out that, not only did I live through the terror of the triggering event and everywhere that took me, I also received some pretty bad medical care bordering on the negligent, and definitely falling well into the unethical territory, something I have had confirmed by three separate mental health professionals since then. A fact that should make me feel better, but really doesn't, because I still lived through the roughest, most terrifying time of my life. The upshot of all of that, I have had the hardest time dealing with that out of anything that happened. It still hurts, because I turned to a medical provider for help, and left feeling like I was some kind of criminal for experiencing what I had experienced.

During all of this, I turned to DU, in a big way, as about one of the only lifelines I had. And, you were beyond wonderful to me. At times, I needed advice, pragmatic or philosophical. A lot of the time, I just needed reassurance, kindness, or some hand holding. And I got all of that in spades. I know I was a big time PITA, sounded like a broken record, and was pathetically needy. And, almost to a person, each of the regulars in the Lounge and on the MHS group overlooked all of that and showed their better angels to me. And, I could never have gotten through those months of late summer/early autumn of 2012 without that kindness and support.

And then, there was Sandy Hook in December. Funny, that morning, without knowing what was going on, since I never watch news any more, I posted about how I finally felt better about things. And, the world kind of fell apart again, or at least it felt like it to me, like it was open season on anyone who had ever had any kind of mental health issue. And, I didn't handle that so well, either, I know I made an ass out of myself here on DU for quite a while. Not that I would overreact, mind you, never I say, never.

Well, it's a year later. None of my worst fears have come true. I have a completely different diagnosis, C-PTSD, a new doctor who is awesome, not on any drugs for any of this, just dealing with it through attitude, what is known as cognitive behavioral therapy, a fancy way of saying dealing with it by finding positive ways to blow off stress, living a dramatically healthier lifestyle physically and mentally, and challenging myself to be great, telling myself it's not too late in life to do X, instead of wallowing in my own sense of disappointment and resentment that I didn't do X back in the day. No, it's not perfect, whose life is? I still have some bad days, nothing like a year ago, but I tend to tense up over situations and thoughts that bring back memories. And, I won't deny, it's been stronger lately, I have been apprehensive about this anniversary period coming up. But, I also know I will deal, I have new interests and passions, a support system, and mostly, time, wisdom, and perspective. Frankly, I've learned a hell of a lot in the last year, and I've grown up a lot, something that was long overdue considering I'm almost 50. I just deal with things better now, and that is the key -- we can't control what fate throws at us, but we can control how we react to it.

I thought about listing all of the people of the Lounge and MHS that helped me individually, then I realized it would be a really long list, and I would no doubt inadvertently omit more than one of them. So, I'm just going to say a big, heartfelt thank you to all of you -- you know who you are! I couldn't have gotten through this without you. I'm intact -- I have a job, a career, a house, income, family, friends, community. All of the things that I thought would be lost to me. And, I have new things, too, things that make me really happy. I push myself now, hard, to get better all around every day -- not just in a "recover from this" sense, but in the sense that I feel like I am capable of doing some really great things in my life that will bring me happiness, fulfillment, and accomplishment. Here is a good example -- two months ago, I had never been in water, save for an almost-drowning incident when I was five. And, I always was afraid to go near it, I let my fears take over and thought "that is not for me, I don't belong in that world, I'm not good enough or strong enough to go there." Well, today at lunch, I practiced swimming, I'm taking lessons, I did 10 laps across the pool breaststroke, 10 backstroke. Not too bad for a guy who first set foot in a pool 8 weeks ago. Me, the water, and U2 playing in my ears -- a perfect lunch hour.

I thank all of you, I love all of you, and please remember this, the folks here on DU represent the best of humanity. We may be a little crude, a little lewd at times, but when the chips are down, we are there for each other. And that is what it's all about.

Peace and Love.

Denninmi