Fuck kidney stones!

[mockmonkey]

10. My first time...

I had gone to the ER. I didn't know anything about Kidney Stones. They knocked me out and put in a stent and scheduled me for Lithotripsy.

The Lithotripsy was a non-event other than sitting partially in a basin of water. Afterwards, I would start to feel that telltale sign in my left side and have to get my stainer for the catch of the day. Expletives would fly out in abundance and soon that little bastard would pop out.

As bad as the stones were, the removal of the stent was far worse. This time, it wasn't done under an anesthetic. They did apply a little numbing jell which I guess is pretty close to better than nothing. It was also trainee day so I got that added benefit.

Since I was numb, I just imagined them grabbing my lil fella and trying to force the camera laden plumber's snake into the opening like a fisherman trying to retrieve the hook from deep inside a fish's mouth.

It seemed to go pretty well until... the WORST pain in my life. As I screamed out in agony I'm told that was the sphincter muscle (there's more than one, who knew?) The Doc might have said something to the effect of, "you might feel a little pressure" but I don't recall for sure. After that, it was easier. All the time they are cleansing out my urethra with something like saline I forget what it was. As they finished their little retrieval they told me that I would have to pee immediately afterward. They weren't kidding!

Got out of the chair and headed to the bathroom. I urinated in Technicolor. Finished up with the Doctor and got about half way down the hall and found another bathroom. Made it to the elevator and got off on the first floor and Yep, headed for another bathroom. Will this ever end? I finally make it to the car and what's this? back into the hospital to go again. Luckily, I live about 3 minutes from the Hospital so I was able to make it home in time for another go.

My second Lithotripsy wasn't so difficult. Those stones didn't have 46 years to harden into brown diamonds. I had one little stone show up and the rest of the fragments were too small to even be worth catching.

My Urologist had me drinking lots of lemonade to try to ward off any future stones. I really got sick of lemonade after a few years. I think I'm due for new stones within the next two years.